Who's to Blame?

Posted by: Shane Posted at: 9:49 PM 0 comment(s)

I miss her?

I just found that I had four missed calls. The first three were “Unavailable” and the last one was “Shahirah,” so I’m guessing that all four were hers.

I always feel bad for her when I miss her calls, but what’s so weird is that … this time I think I feel bad for myself as well. I think for the first time in a very long time that I feel I actually miss her.

I mean, what else could it be if I regret missing her calls and not just because I feel guilty or sorry for her?

Great! I actually miss her.

-sigh-

Why can’t you control what you feel?

Maybe it’s best then that I missed them because apparently the more we talk and the cuter she is … the more I miss her.

Posted by: Shane Posted at: 4:46 PM 0 comment(s)

Long Time ...

It's been a long time since I've updated this online journal of mine, but I have heaps of entries to add.

My problem with publishing them is that I write them offline in Microsoft Word with intentions of transferring them to Blogger, but once I spend an hour or so writing an entry ... I just don't want to do anything else with it! At least not for a while.

I just got done writing another one, but once again I'm too tired to proofread it and transfer it from Word. Plus, I'm still miserable with a cold (or flu?).

Anyway, I've been asked to update this several times by one of a few people who have the privilege of letting me bore them to death with my ramblings. Someone who must be a very sick masochist.

-heh heh-

Kidding!

She's not all that sick.

Even though I planned on updating with the entry I just wrote, an explanation of why I'm slow to update will have to suffice.

So yeah, consider this updated.

Posted by: Shane Posted at: 12:02 AM 0 comment(s)

Still Conflicted

I woke up this morning at 6 a.m. feeling absolutely miserable. I couldn’t breathe through my nose and my mouth was like the Sahara … but drier!

-sigh-

Then after getting up to blow my nose a bazillion times, when I tried to lay back down, it just kept running … so I got up and started cleaning.

It was so bad that while I was walking about, mucus would just drip out of my nose without warning! If that wasn’t bad enough, I think I had a fever because it felt like you could fry an egg on my face.

Anyway, I did spend all day going through clothes and separating what I wanted from what I didn’t. I put a lot of the ones I wanted but don’t plan on wearing any time soon into Space Bags and then put them into a Rubbermaid container to store in the basement.

I’m still not done!

I have to buy more Space Bags and maybe another container.

I didn’t realize how much clothes I actually do have.

Now that I went through the boxes, I’m shocked at how much I have! I have way more t-shirts and boxers than any one man should have! I’m like a t-shirt freak or something. I also found that I had some really nice dress shirts that I totally forgot about.

The sad thing is, 95% of the clothes I packed away still had the tags on them. Maybe I should hold a big garage sale.

I know I probably have over $1,000 in just t-shirts and boxers … mostly t-shirts though. Well, maybe not quite that much, but pretty close. If I threw in the other shirts, sweaters, sweatshirts, and blue jeans … then I definitely know I’m way over a $1,000.

Anyway, I realize I need to stop buying so many t-shirts. Probably along with CDs and DVDs. Well, I only buy DVDs that I know I’ll watch more than once.

Most of my DVDs are actually Television Series. Like I have all of “the Simpsons,” “Futurama,” “Family Guy,” “South Park,” “Millennium,” “Northern Exposure,” and “Seinfeld” seasons available. I also have the first season of "Scrubs" and I'd like to get "Malcolm in the Middle" and "Arrested Development." I really love those shows! Especially "Northern Exposure!" I miss it so much! It was unlike any other show.

I think I have all the major Disney cartoons available too.

I also have several Jim Carey and Mel Brooks movies. I’m still looking for “Robin Hood: Men in Tights” on DVD.

Not only did I clean and go through boxes of clothes, but I did laundry too. I did my regular laundry and hung out my clothes and then had to wash a lot of the clothes (ones without tags still attached) before I put them into storage.

No wonder today seemed so damn long!

On a completely different subject, Shahirah called me today … several times.

The first time she called, I couldn’t answer because I had left my phone on the other side of the wall of boxes I created. I managed to get to it the second time, but I think she hung up as I answered.

She called back a third time and we got to talk for about three minutes before the call was dropped. She was getting something to eat at this café around the corner, which she has told me before sucks, at like almost midnight!

I think it’s funny though. She ate from there a while ago and she told me, “I don’t know what I was thinking. The food always sucks. I don’t know why I thought this time would be any different.” Then she’s eating from there again!



What a dork. A cute dork, but a dork none-the-less.

It’s when she does things like that, that I remember why I felt the way I did.

Anyway, after the call was dropped, I clipped my phone to me and put in my headset just in case she called while I was hanging out some clothes. Did she call when I was prepared?

No!

She waited until I forgot where I put the phone!

I got to the phone and she hung up before I could answer. Then she called right back and said something like, “I see! I have to call two or more times to get you to answer.”

She said she just called to tell me that she didn’t hang up on me when the call was dropped, which I already figured. We talked for a few minutes and she was being cute and dorky again.

I don’t know what it was, but there was just something about her attitude that was really … cute.

She asked where my Mom was and I told her that she went to Bar Harbor, Maine last week and was supposed to go to Nova Scotia, but they screwed up the reservations. Damn Canadians! So they ended up going to Niagara Falls … again!

She said she wanted to call her for some reason, but that she wouldn’t since she was on vacation. I told her she could call my Mom if she wanted because I’m sure she’d be happy to hear from her, but she said she’d just wait.

I wonder why she wanted to call Mom though.

Anyway, she called back a little bit after that conversation to tell me about her scholarship she received. I guess they finally released the names on the website or something.

She told me that by the time she gets the scholarship money, she’ll be out of college. Then she said, “My last day is November 4th and my graduation isn’t until February. So here’s what I was thinking. If my Mom would let me, I could use the money to come over there.”

That shocked me! Not to mention raised some conflicting feelings.

I mean, on one hand, I was thinking, “That’d be awesome!” At the same time though, I was thinking, “But I wish it was THIS time of year … not in December or after.”

I just really love this time of year. I don’t know why, but it makes me feel excited, relaxed, optimistic, laid back, hopeful, and romantic (which I’m counting on to counter the extreme lust I’ve been dealing with for the last six months!).

If I were to share any time of year with someone, I’d want to share between September 15th and November 1st. It just seems like an almost magical time of year.

I once heard that the Celts believed that the veil between this world and the Spirit world was at it’s thinnest on Halloween or “All Hallows Eve.” I think they were onto something because I definitely feel closer to the Supernatural this time of year.

I guess they believed it so much that they started the tradition of wearing masks to fool any malicious Spirits that might want to cause mischief or harm. I’m assuming it was probably people with a guilty conscience that wronged someone in Life and was afraid of revenge from beyond the grave that felt they had to hide behind a mask.

I guess that’s where “Trick-or-Treat” gets its tradition of people dressing up in costumes.

I tried to get Shahira to come over two years in a row to participate in our Autumn activities, such as going to pick out pumpkins at the Pumpkin Patch, carving pumpkins, going on hayrides, going to “haunted” places like the Haunted Woods, the Haunted Corn Maze, the Haunted Prison, and numerous other “haunted” places … but it never worked out.

There was always Ramadan to use as an excuse, but maybe it’s important for her to be close to her family during that time. She didn’t even have to use that as an excuse because there’s an even better excuse for her … cold weather!

What is it with Singaporeans wussing out with cold weather? I mean, if I went to Singapore, I wouldn’t wuss out because of the HOT and HUMID weather.

I guess that’s one advantage to living in Ohio. You get to experience nature’s full spectrum. You get both extremes here. In the winter it gets colder than a witch’s tit. How cold is that? Well, I know it’s been like -50°F+ with wind-chill factor. Then come summer, it can get really hot and humid with temperatures steady around a 100ºF.

I do have to admit, however, that the last two summers haven’t been bad at all. I don’t remember one day where I felt miserable. Although, other people I know felt miserable, so maybe it was just me.

In any case, I guess maybe if I was as skinny as Shahira, maybe I couldn’t tolerate the cold either. I mean, she makes Calista Flockhart look curvy. Kidding! She’s not that skinny. She looks a lot better than Calista Flockhart. Plus, she supposedly put on weight last year. I’m not sure, but I think she meant she let her hair grow longer.



So anyway, I guess my point was, I wish it was this time of year that Shahirah could come if she was coming. I would so love to share this time of year with her. Although, that might not be a good idea since I’m conflicted about how I feel about her. I mean, I think those nighttime hayrides to whatever “haunted” destinations are really romantic. And if the romantic feeling isn’t enough reason to make you want to cuddle up with someone … there’s always the “chill” in the air on October nights, which just makes it even more romantic.

-sigh-

Anyway, when Shahirah told me her idea about using the money to come here, even though part of me was excited at the thought … there was another part that was … hmm … what’s the word I’m looking for … uneasy, hesitant, shocked, stunned, terrified, claustrophobic?

Whatever it was I was feeling, it’s in there somewhere. I think the phrase; “Deer in headlights.” also applies.

I don’t know why a part of me felt that way. I think it’s because I’m confused and I don’t know what I want to feel for her. Or as my Mom or Greg would probably put it, “You know what you feel but want to deny it.”

I don’t know, I just don’t know.

Maybe deep down I know I’m still capable of feeling as strongly for her as I once did and it really scares me because I’m afraid of being disappointed again because that disappointment will cause me to feel really hurt, something I don’t want to feel again.

There’s a lot I need to sort out concerning her and how I really feel. I can’t just keep putting it off and hoping I won’t have to figure it out. I need to take the time to really think about it, but I’m too tired (conveniently) to think about it tonight and this entry is long enough, so I’m ending here for now.

Posted by: Shane Posted at: 11:47 PM 0 comment(s)