| Past Grievances |
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Just when you think all is well ...
Adult Fairy Tales
Can you read this?
Merry Christmas!!!
It's CHRISTmas!!!
Male Intuition
Eureka!
Who Wants To Know?
My Next 30 Years
Healing Power of Writing
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Thursday, October 28, 2004 |
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Tired of Thinking About It!
I’m taking a break from cleaning, something I know I shouldn’t do because it’ll be hard to start again. Oh well.
-sigh-
Anyway, Mom was home for a little while after work and she talked to Shahirah again online. I don’t think they talked for very long though because Mom wanted to go over to Dan’s early so she could have something fixed for him to eat.
I guess she talked to Shahira and Vishali too. At least I think she meant Vishali. I guess she thought it was me online. I’m going to have to teach Mom how to change the name or maybe set her up her own Messenger account.
Mom said her and Vishali didn’t really talk once Vishali found out it was her instead of me, but she said she thought Vishali seemed really nice. I told her she was. That’s why I feel so bad for not keeping my word.
I mean, it’s not like I think she even cares, she barely knew me … but I feel bad not talking to her because of someone else … when she has always been really nice and has never done anything to me. The fact that she thought it was me and started talking to me also makes me feel bad.
The last time I saw her online, I thought she might be pissed at me because she really didn’t say much.
I restarted the computer before I went to bed and when I got up, I was suppose to check movie times. I forgot to shut down Messenger before I connected to the Internet because I was in a hurry and Vishali saw me online and sent a message to just say “Hi” and that she had to go.
When I first got the message, my heart skipped a beat because I felt I had been caught with my pants down or my hand in the cookie jar … or whatever. Then when I saw it was Vishali, I felt relieved, but after our short exchange … I thought she might be upset with me. I hope not.
I just didn’t think if I stopped talking to Shahirah that continuing talking to her (Vishali) was going to work. Like I said, I knew eventually she would start talking about Shahirah and I didn’t want to know anything about her. Plus, it wouldn’t have been fair to Shahirah either. To avoid her and continue talking to her friend, I thought it would just seem really cruel and mean.
Damn it! See. I started typing this and got distracted by “The X Files”. It was the one about the cockroaches. I love that episode! Plus, Dr. Bambi is so freakin’ HOT! Now is another good one, the one about those two girls who are friends and share the same birthday … and are the focal point of some astrological energy. I like it because it shows just how stupid people really are!
Anyway, before Mom left, she said that Shahirah told her to tell me she “missed me” and wanted to know if I would talk to her online. As if that doesn’t make me feel bad enough, Mom has to try and make me feel worse.
I know Mom cares a lot about Shahirah and would love me to talk to her, although, I don’t know why. It’s not like they’ve talked a whole lot … at least not to my knowledge.
Why does this decision have to be so hard?
If Shahirah would have just listened to me from the beginning and not have promised more than she could deliver … we’d still be friends. But when someone makes you feel so loved that it scares you, and then takes it away, you question if it was ever real to begin with … especially when the person that made you feel so special goes out of her way to let you know that she no longer feel that way and that she seems to regret having ever felt that way.
In the end, you can only conclude it was all a lie and you were being used … something I can’t live with. Someone might fuck me over once, but that’s the only chance they’ll ever get. That’s why I can’t imagine talking to her again. I have no trust in her at all, a person I would have trusted completely.
Could I have been so wrong?
I’m tired of this shit!
Going to watch The X Files.
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 3:17 AM
0 comment(s)
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Monday, October 18, 2004 |
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America, Fuck Yeah!
PARENTAL ADVISORY: EXPLICIT CONTENT
Tonight, October 17, Greg and me went to see “Team America: World Police.”
I have never laughed so hard at a movie nor talked out loud as much as I did through this one.
I LOVED it!!!
Matt and Trey are absolutely brilliant!
I give it 2 thumbs-up.
***** - 5 stars
If you’re not easily offended, I definitely recommend that you see it. And if you’re a guy, see it anyway … you won’t regret it.
Reasons to go see it:
* There’s nothing funnier than puppets, unless it’s puppets having sex!
* There’s nothing more fun to do than make fun of people, especially when they’re celebrities and world leaders!
* You get to hear Kim Jong Il sing, “I’m So Ronery.”
* The “3 Types of People” lecture is worth the price of admission alone. Trust me!
Here’s a lil’ excerpt that I can remember:
There are three types of people in the world … Dicks, Pussies, and Assholes. The problem with Pussies is that they try to deal with Assholes by using words. Pussies don’t like Dicks because they get fucked by Dicks, but Dicks also fuck Assholes. The problem with Dicks is that they want to fuck everything and sometimes turn a Pussy into an Asshole. The problem with Assholes is that they want to shit all over everything.
Okay, that’s all I can remember, but I don’t even do it justice. You’ll have to go see the movie to get the whole thing. Trust me, it makes more sense coming from them.
Apparently, I'm a Dick. At least that's what Greg says. He quickly admitted to being a Pussy though!
America, Fuck Yeah!
America
America
America, Fuck Yeah!
Comin' again to save the mother-fucking day, yeah!
America, Fuck Yeah!
Freedom is the only way, yeah.
Terrorist your game is through
'Cause now you have to answer to …
America, Fuck Yeah!
So lick my butt and suck on my balls.
America, Fuck Yeah!
What ya gonna do when we come for you now?
It's the dream that we all share
It's the hope for tomorrow.
Fuck Yeah!
McDonald’s
Fuck Yeah!
Wal-Mart
Fuck Yeah!
The Gap
Fuck Yeah!
Baseball
Fuck Yeah!
NFL
Fuck Yeah!
Rock ‘n Roll
Fuck Yeah!
The Internet
Fuck Yeah!
Slavery
Fuck Yeah!
Fuck yeah.
Starbucks
Fuck Yeah!
Disney World
Fuck Yeah!
Porno
Fuck Yeah!
Valium
Fuck Yeah!
Reeboks
Fuck Yeah!
Fake tits
Fuck Yeah!
Sushi
Fuck Yeah!
Taco Bell
Fuck Yeah!
Rodeos
Fuck Yeah!
Bed, Bath, and Beyond
(Fuck yeah … fuck yeah)
Liberty
Fuck Yeah!
Waxed lips
Fuck Yeah!
The Alamo
Fuck Yeah!
Band-Aids
Fuck Yeah!
Las Vegas
Fuck Yeah!
Christmas
Fuck Yeah!
Immigrants
Fuck Yeah!
Popeye
Fuck Yeah!
Democrats
Fuck Yeah!
Republicans
(Fuck yeah … fuck yeah)
Sportsmanship
Books
* I hope to see a Matt Stone and Trey Parker ticket in 2008!
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 3:07 AM
0 comment(s)
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Sunday, October 17, 2004 |
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Yup, Still Confused
Last night, Greg and me were suppose to go to a movie, but neither one of us were very motivated to do anything. We finally did go to Jake’s to eat about 10 p.m.
While at Jake’s, I thought I would get Greg’s opinion about what Shahirah had asked Mom to ask me.
I told him, “Mom talked to Shéra the other night and she asked Mom to ask me if I would like to go back to Australia with her when she goes. What do you think about that?”
First, he gave me that look he gets that says, “I don’t really care.” But then I think he saw I really wanted advice, so he gave it some thought.
He finally says, “Is everything about her?”
I asked, “What do you mean?”
He says, “You guys haven’t talked in forever and without even talking to you, she asks if you want to go to Australia with her. That seems pretty selfish.”
I was like, “Finally! Someone that sees it from my perspective.”
He says, “Well, you’re not innocent either.”
I looked at him confused and he says, “You need to learn not to hold a grudge.”
I said, “I’m not holding a grudge! I’m just protecting myself from someone I don’t trust any more.”
He says, “But you won’t even talk to her to see what she wants. It’s like you’re punishing her or wanting her to hurt.”
That kind of pissed me off.
I said, “First of all, when I stopped talking to her, I thought I was doing her a favor. I never thought she’d care in the slightest and that it was benefiting her as much as me. She made me feel like a nuisance whenever I tried talking to her, so I finally thought instead of getting hurt every time I try to talk to her, I’d do her and me both a favor and just end it for good.”
“Secondly,” I continued, “I’d never do anything to purposely hurt her. I don’t hate her! In fact, even though I can’t bring myself to talk to her and I’m angry about the way she acted, I still have a great deal of love for her. If she’s hurting now because of me, which I highly doubt, it’s her own doing … not mine!”
He says, “Well, you asked my opinion … I was just giving it to you.”
After a long pause, he says, “So, what do you think you’re going to do? Do you at least think you’re going to get back in touch with her?”
I looked at him and he says, “You already know, don’t you? You want to get back in touch with her!”
I laughed and said, “I don’t know. I really don’t know. All I know is that my heart doesn’t hurt like hell at the moment and I’m not miserable. I’m afraid if I talk to her again, all that pain and misery will come back too. I don’t want to have to deal with it. I don’t think I can deal with it right now.”
He says, “Look at it this way. If she died tomorrow, how would that make you feel? Would you have wished that you got back in touch with her?”
I said, “That’s the problem, she already feels dead to me.”
He emphatically says, “Dude, that’s cold!”
I said, “Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t mean I hate her so much that she’s dead to me. I just mean that it feels like the Shahirah I loved so damn much stopped existing. It’s like the Shahirah I knew was replaced by someone else. The funny thing is, now I wonder if the Shahirah I was so in love with ever even existed. Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. You know what I mean?”
He says, “Yeah, I really do.”
“When she went to Australia,” I continued, “she changed so much that she didn’t even feel like the same person. There were times I felt like I was talking to a stranger and that hurt so much. Here was someone I could talk to for hours about nothing and now we couldn’t talk at all … I couldn’t accept that.”
He says, “Well, if you want my honest opinion, I know how you feel and I know how much it can hurt, but I think you should at least see what she wants. How much could it hurt to just talk to her once and see if anything has changed?”
I wanted to say, “But what if I talk to her and eventually come to feel what I did before and all we are is friends? I can’t and won’t accept it. I don’t want my heart to hurt every time we talk. If I feel that way, it becomes an all or nothing proposition. I already know that she doesn’t feel that way towards me any more, doubt that she ever really did, so if I end up feeling that way … it will have to be nothing and I don’t think I can go through it all again.”
Instead of saying that, mostly because I don’t want anyone to know that there’s a part of me that fears that, I just said, “Thanks for the advice.”
After leaving Jake’s, we went over to my Grandpa’s because I had to pick up my cell phone. Zach had his friend, Dylan, spending the night. They were playing games.
I had him pop in “Tony Hawk’s Underground” so he could show Greg the skater he created. I think she’s HOT! Makes me want to be a video game character. =p
-lol-
Then Greg asked Zach to show him how to do a couple tricks that he couldn’t figure out so that he could advance in his game.
So here we are after midnight, playing XBox.
What’s so funny is that Greg, Zach, and Dylan have all played “Tony Hawk’s Underground” a lot and I’ve never played it and I’m the only one that could do two of the tricks.
What can I say, I’m gooood! -heh heh-
After leaving my Grandpa’s, we went to Wal-Mart because Greg wanted to buy “Tony Hawk’s Underground 2.”
When we got back to his place, we were playing until like 6 a.m. I’m thinking about getting a copy so we can Link up and play on two different TVs.
Too bad you couldn’t play over the Internet, but I guess it doesn’t matter since Greg doesn’t have a broadband connection.
Anyway, I’m hungry ... so I’m out of here.
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 3:14 PM
1 comment(s)
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Friday, October 15, 2004 |
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Pissed!
Originally, I started my weblog on mBlog. I came across that site by chance, saw some of the weblogs, thought they looked cool and decided to start my own.
I had “mono” at the time and slept so much, but when I was actually awake, I barely had enough energy to brush my teeth ... let alone go anywhere. Since I rarely went anywhere, I thought I’d start my very own weblog to help alleviate some of my boredom.
I started blogging back in March and made like 20 posts since, err … published 20 posts. I saved a dozen or so as drafts, usually because I was too tired to finish them or proofread them.
Anyway, about two weeks ago, mBlog abruptly stopped their service without any warning.
I went to log in to add some pictures to a post and there was a notice on their homepage that said:
Notice:
mBlog has attempted to provide an exceptional service for the blogging community at no cost. Unfortunately due to member abuse, inability to reach agreement with Moveable Type and hosting cost overhead we have incurred an extremely high deficit. We stand to incur further costs which we hope that our members' gratitude will help us offset. Unfortunately we can no longer offer support or continue this service at penalty to us.
A number of requests from our members have prompted us to offer a restoration service at a nominal fee. To obtain an archive of your files for import into an alternate blogging system please enter your mBlog name below.
I immediately wrote to them asking how I could get copies of my posts. I figured that the fee must be for members who paid to use their service to get all the extras. I, however, only used their free service and figured that it’d probably be free to get copies.
Yeah right!
I sent several e-mails letting them know how pissed I was.
I told them it’s criminal to offer a “free” service to members who then trustingly decide to spend hours a week to keep an online journal or diary with them (mBlog) instead of in an actual book journal/diary, and then abruptly shutting down without any warning to members, depriving them a fair chance to save their posts … and then holding their archives ransom.
It’s just wrong!
They actually politely replied to all my bitching and complaining mails, but never provided anything more than what's stated in their notice.
Bastards!
Anyway, after writing my last post about an hour ago, I checked my e-mail and noticed that I just got an e-mail from mBlog yesterday letting me know that today at 5 p.m. they’re going to start deleting files from their server ... so I finally broke down and paid the ransom to get copies of my archives.
I wonder why they didn't wait to send the e-mail until 4:59 p.m. today? <-- Being sarcastic!
That pisses me off so much that they'd only give a days notice! Don't they know that some people don't check their mail every day and that some people only have access to the interent through a library, friend, or family member?
-sigh-
I wouldn't even bother, but I spent hours of my life on those posts and I don't want it to have been for nothing.
-Argh!-
I’m so PISSED!
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 4:37 PM
0 comment(s)
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Still Confused
I’ve already wrote two entries concerning her and would have said that there’s nothing more I can say about her, but I guess I would have been wrong. Just when I thought there was nothing new to say, something new comes up.
Last night, Mom and me had a talk about Shahirah.
It all started with me. I uninstalled a program and had to restart my PC, which is normal. The only thing was, I was in a hurry and left my cable modem connected to the Internet, which by itself is not a problem.
The problem is that I don’t log into MSN Messenger between certain times because I don’t want a certain person to know if I come online. The thing is, MSN Messenger starts up with Windows, which is okay by itself, but it automatically connects if it detects an Internet connection.
Normally, if I have to restart my computer, I disconnect and then after it totally restarts, I shut down the Messenger program so I don’t have to worry about it auto-connecting. Then later if I go online, the program is shut down and I don’t have to worry about it. It still, however, pops up occasionally on it’s own sometimes, which has got me into trouble with other people who probably have assumed I died long ago.
Anyway, I was in a hurry and left the computer connected to the Internet. After restarting it, I went to take a shower and get ready to go out to get something to eat. So while I’m off showering and getting ready, my Messenger program is connected to the Internet.
Shahirah connects at work and sees that I’m connected and figures she can finally catch me at home, so she calls, but no one answers. I’m in the shower and Mom isn’t home yet.
For some reason, she calls my Mom on her mobile phone right as Mom gets home, which was just minutes after she tried calling me. I guess they talked for 20-30 minutes, but I’m not sure what about.
I came downstairs right as they were hanging up. We were suppose to go get something to eat, but neither one of us could decide where to go. I wasn’t really that hungry.
Anyway, Mom tells me that that was Shahirah she was talking to and said that she called because she saw that I was connected online and thought she could finally get me to answer the phone. That’s when I realized I must have left the computer connected.
I had to run a quick errand, so I asked Mom if she would disconnect the computer for me and I’d be right back.
According to Mom, she came up to disconnect, but as soon as she sat down … her brother called. After talking to him, she went to disconnect again, and I guess Shahirah thought it was me and that I was avoiding her.
Mom told Shahirah that it was her and they started talking again. I guess Mom even talked to Maria a little. She told me that Maria seemed in a really good mood and was making fun of me, which made me wish I had been online! -lol-
She saw that Shahira, my other online friend, was online too and sent her a message just to let her know it was her and not me that was online. She didn’t want Shahira to think I was rude or avoiding her I guess.
What’s funny is that Shahira didn’t reply back to any messages Mom sent her and now Mom thinks she’s rude. -lol-
Anyway, when I got back, to my surprise Mom and Shahirah were still talking. I told Mom to tell her I said “hi”. She did and I saw that all Shahirah said was, “Ok”.
I said, “See, she doesn’t fucking care! Why does she even bother to call?”
I mean, she sends me an e-mail saying she misses talking to me and even calls to talk to me, but when I finally say “hi” … all she says is “Ok.” I mean, the least she could do is just say, “hey.”
Right away, I felt like I was being played with again. She acts like she really wants to talk and as soon as I do, she acts like she doesn’t care.
What’s so funny is that had she said “hi” and directed it to me, I would have said something back which would have probably caused her to say something in return … and eventually I would have ended up in front of the PC talking to her.
See! I just don’t think it’s meant for us to stay in contact. Every time one of us reaches out, it seems like a higher force makes sure to keep us apart by making the other one withdraw.
So anyway, after getting pissed, I went downstairs to make a phone call. After a while I came back up to see how long Mom was going to be, but she was done by the time I got back up here.
A little later, Mom started talking about Shahirah. She was telling me a little bit about what they talked about, which I found odd because she would never do that before.
It’s like Shahirah started calling me at the beginning of this year again and I was never home because of work. I did give her my Mom’s mobile phone and my work phone before I stopped talking to her, so I figured if she wanted to talk bad enough, she’d eventually try one of those. Well … she never did!
She did eventually call Mom’s mobile phone.
Actually, the first time I knew of her calling it was when Mom, Zachary, and me were eating at the Olive Garden. We were just finishing up eating and Mom's phone rings. I knew right away by the tone of Mom’s voice who it had to be.
I was just finishing my soup and my nose was wanting to run because the soup was really hot. I get up to go get some toilet paper so I can blow my nose. Before I get up from the booth, I mouth to Mom, “Tell her I said ‘Hi’.” Mom nods her head at me.
Anyway, I remember being in the bathroom trying to get the toilet paper roll started. Someone had apparently put in new rolls of toilet paper because it was close to closing time. Well, you know how toilet paper is glued at the start of the roll to keep the roll wound up, it took me 3-5 minutes to get that damn thing started. I don’t know what the hell kind of glue they used, but damn!
I actually shredded the role before I could get it started and then had to waste time getting the two plies back together! I was so frustrated because my nose is like already dripping.
After taking care of that problem, I use a urinal and then go to wash my hands … but there’s no soap! New rolls of toilet paper, but no soap! I’m trying my best to get soap out of one of the dispensers and my nephew comes in and tells me that Mom was still talking to Shahirah and asked me if I was hiding out in the restroom.
I laughed and said, “No, but I’m having lots of problems. First the toilet paper, and now the soap!”
He first came in with me and when I was blowing my nose, he was peeing, then he went back out. Out of curiosity I asked, “There’s no soap … so how did you wash your hands?”
He says, “You got to hit it like this.”
He hits the pump and a gob shoots into the sink. I tried and tried and couldn’t get any out of either one of the dispensers. I finally and reluctantly manage to salvage a lil’ of that gob.
When I get back to the booth, Mom was just finishing up with Shahirah. When she hung up, I ask, “Did you tell her I said ‘Hi’?”
I knew by the look on her face that she forgot. She says, “I’m so sorry!”
I said, “It’s no problem, I just knew she knew I was here and I didn’t want to be rude. Just forget about it.”
Well, the next time she talks to Shahirah, Mom tells me, “I told Shéra that you said ‘Hi’ when I was talking to her at the Olive Garden.”
I was like, “What did you do that for?”
She says, “You seemed upset I didn’t tell her, so I thought I would.”
“I know she knows I don’t want to talk to her,” I said, “but I don’t want her to think I hate her. That’s why I was upset. I don’t hate her.”
She says, “Well, I told her, so what are you upset about?”
I said, “If you told her then, that’s one thing, but telling her now is like saying I’m going out of my way to say ‘Hi’ to her!”
She shakes her head and says something like, “What the hell is wrong with you?” At least that’s how I heard it … heh heh.
Damn, went way off on a tangent there, didn’t I? Hmm … I’ll call that tangent number one because I’m sure there will be more before I’m done.
Anyway, as I was saying, I thought it was weird Mom was telling me what they talked about because when Shahirah would try to get a hold of me and end up talking to Mom, I once asked Mom, “So how’s she doing?”
She wanted me to talk to Shahirah, so she says, “If you want to know, find out for yourself.”
That’s pretty much all Mom would ever say to me, thinking if she didn’t fill me in, I’d eventually break down and call Shahirah. What she didn’t know is that by refusing to tell me anything … she was doing me the biggest favor and giving me exactly what I wanted! I didn’t tell her that though.
Mom would occasionally slip out some information, but I came to conclude it was intentional because it was always something to make me worry. Like the last time I remember her doing that was when she told me that the glass of Shahirah’s apartment door had been broken and that someone might have tried breaking in.
Naturally, that protective side kicks in and right away, I forget for several minutes that I’m not talking to her, and I want to be there just to make sure everything is okay. To go through the whole house and look under every bed and in every closet, attic, basement, garage … whatever.
So I started to realize Mom is craftier than I give her credit for. I think she knew I would feel that way. She’s a very formidable opponent.
-lol-
I always wanted to say that … hee hee.
So anyway, she’s talking about Shahirah and saying things like, “She’s fasting now, which she said is good because she’s gained some weight.”
Now this is where I wonder if Mom said that on purpose. I’ve made the statement in the past that even though I thought Shahirah looked great the way she was, I thought she would look even better with a little more weight.
I don’t know why I always felt that way, but the thought of her being a little fleshier could put my sex drive into overdrive! I guess maybe because it would make her a little curvier and because I think she could carry it well.
Either that or I was so into her that I reasoned the more of her … the better! -lol-
So I say, “Really? I bet! If she has it’s probably like two pounds.”
“No,” Mom says, “I think it’s a little more than that.”
I asked, “How would you know?”
She says, “From her picture.”
I said, “What picture?”
She says, “The picture of her on the chat screen.”
I was thinking to myself, “Damn it! I looked right at the damn screen to see what her reply would be when I said ‘Hi’ and didn’t even notice the damn picture.”
I must have looked regretful or something because Mom asks, “What?”
I said, “Nothing.”
She says, “You look disappointed.”
I dismissed it. Like I was going to admit to that! But the truth is, a part of me wish I had seen it. I mean, it’s been over a year since I last saw what she looked like, and now she’s put on weight … something I thought would make her even sexier. Of course I would have liked to seen it.
Anyway, the conversation keeps going from Shahirah to other things, but Mom kept bringing it back to her. She told me that Shahirah said to tell me “Hi” and that she didn’t know I was in the room when I said ‘Hi,’ so that’s why she didn’t bother replying to it.
Now, in retrospect, I think she was trying to soften me up because when I get to the point where I’m feeling guilty about not talking to Shahirah and questioning my decision, Mom says, “Shéra wanted me to ask you something.”
I must have had a puzzled look or a look of disbelief because Mom says, “She did!”
I figure if she really did ask Mom to ask me something, it’s so obvious what it was and I knew what was coming, “Would you please call me?”
So feeling pretty confident and cocky, I ask, “What’d she ask?”
With a straight face, Mom says, “She asked me to ask you if you would like to go back to Australia with her when she goes.”
At first, I was shocked. I don’t know how long I sat there, I felt like my brain was stuck. It’s like it couldn’t process what it just heard. I felt like how a computer must feel when it has too much to process and not enough RAM to handle it … it hangs or lags.
Well, I must have been hanging for a while because I look at Mom and she cracks a devious looking smile. Right away, I figured she was pulling my leg and trying to prove a point, so I start laughing and said, “Good one!”
I mean, it didn’t make sense Shahirah asking me that … so of course Mom had to make it up. I mean, we haven’t talked for like a year and like she would ask me that without even talking to me! That’d take some guts. Plus, when I wanted to go to Australia, she did everything to let me know she didn’t want me there.
Mom looks at me straight faced again and says, “No … she did ask me to ask you that.”
I must have got that look again because she asks, “So what do you think?”
I shook my head in disbelief and said, “I honestly don’t know what to think.”
She said, “Yeah, it shows.”
After a little while she says, “You don’t have any idea how you feel at all?”
I said, “I’m just really confused right now, and kind of angry.”
She looks at me confused and asks, “Angry about what?”
“I feel angry,” I said, “because when I asked her if I could come to Australia just as a friend and see how things would go between us … she tried using every excuse at her disposal to talk me out of it. She said she didn’t want to take me away from my family and that I’d miss Zach and Austin too much. She even said she thought it was stupid and couldn’t believe I’d want to do it in the first place and that she’d feel guilty if I came all the way there and things didn’t go the way I wanted them.”
“Then when she saw I was being persistent,” I continued, “and wasn’t going to give up easily, she said, ‘Fine! If you want to come, I can’t stop you!’”
“Yeah,” Mom says, “Shéra told me she told you she didn’t care if you wanted to come.”
I laughed and said, “She cared! She definitely didn’t want me there. When she said that, her tone of voice made that very clear!”
“When she said that,” I continued, “this is what I heard her really saying. ‘Fine! I don’t want you here, but if you have to come here, I can’t stop you.’ Then she went on to hint that if I did decide to come, we probably would barely see each other because she wouldn’t have much time for me.”
Mom says, “Really? That’s not her version.”
I said, “That’s the problem. That’s why I can’t forgive her. She’s never admitted to doing anything wrong and the way she remembers things is completely different from the way they happened or at least makes her look like she was always being nice and considerate when she clearly wasn’t. She knows damn well that she did everything short of coming right out and saying, ‘I don’t want you here!’ to keep me from coming there.”
She says, “Isn’t it possible you just took it that way?”
I replied, “Who’s the one who’s angry? Do you think I’d be this angry, angry enough to go this long without talking to her if I wasn’t sure of the things that she did and said?”
She says, “I guess not. But if you’re right, then I wonder why Shéra remembers it the way she does?”
I quickly interject, “Because she’s fucked up!”
Mom says, “I wish you wouldn’t use that word! You know how much I hate it. Besides, I don’t think she’s ‘messed up’ … I just think she might be a little confused and not sure of what she wants.”
I said, “You just now figuring that out?”
She says, “You know, you don’t have to be so sarcastic.”
I replied, “Would you rather me be sarcastic or angry?”
“I’d rather,” she says, “you be neither.”
I said, “Whatever!”
There was a long pause of silence. Finally Mom asks, “So, what do you think?”
I asked, “About what?”
She says, “About what I asked you. About going to Australia with her.”
I said, “Why would she ask me that?”
Mom matter-of-factly says, “Because she wants you there!”
I said, “Yeah, but why now?”
Mom says, “Maybe she misses you. Maybe she’s realized what she’s missing.”
I said, “You know what I think?”
Mom asks, “What?”
I said, “I think she’s Shannon Moss!”
Now, I didn’t think Mom would actually remember who Shannon Moss was, but to my surprise … she did! For those of you who don’t know, let me explain.
There was this TV show called “Wings.” I really liked it, thought it was really funny. In one of the early episodes, like 10+ years ago, there was a character named Shannon Moss.
Brian Hackett, one of the main characters on the show, has always been in love with Shannon. He’d do just about anything for her. As the story goes, she talked him into driving her and her prom date to the prom … I think even after misleading Brian to believe they were going together.
Well, Shannon knew how Brian felt about her, but obviously she didn’t feel the same way towards him. That didn’t stop her from using him though. Whenever she needed a quick pick-me-up or an ego boost … she’d turn to Brian because she knew he’d make her feel like the most special person on the planet.
In the episode, Shannon had got dumped by her boyfriend and finds her way back to Nantucket. Obviously she was looking to hook up with Brian who would give her what she needed … attention. She knew he’d worship her and build her confidence back up.
Everyone warned Brian of what she was doing, but he thinks he’s “in love” with her and pays no attention to their advice. So after she gets what she wants from him, she’s ready to leave.
Brian told her that he thought they were starting a relationship and she dismisses it by saying that she forgot that he takes every little gesture too seriously. Of course that hurts him because they had just spent several days being very intimate.
As she’s ready to board the plane, she gets a call from her law firm (I think) and finds that she lost an account or something and is getting blamed for it. Not wanting to go back to Boston (I think) and face the music … she suddenly suggests to Brian that she extend her stay … if he didn’t mind.
This is where Brian finally starts to see what his brother and friends have been telling him and even though it’s hard for him … he eventually tells her off.
I don’t want to and never thought I would, but I can’t help but see Shahirah this way.
Anyway, Mom says, “I don’t think she’s a Shannon Moss.”
I asked, “So you remember who she is?”
She says, “Yes, and I don’t think that describes Shéra.”
I said, “I believe in my Heart that the only reason she wants to talk to me is because it will benefit her in some way.”
“Maybe she got dumped,” I continued, “or maybe she’s back home and don’t have as many friends. In any case, I’m sure that she wants to talk to me because it will benefit her. I really believe if she had someone giving her the attention I used to … she could care less if she ever talked to me again.”
I’m not saying she can’t find someone to give her attention, she’s a good-looking girl, but it’s not the same kind of attention I gave her. She, like most women in the world, can get all the wrong kind of attention they want at any time, but it’s rare they find the kind I gave.
The difference?
Well, with me, I was so in love that I would have been happy to spend my life with her even if we could never have sex for some hypothetical reason … and she knew it. I really think I still would have wanted to spend my life with her. I might have gone insane eventually, but I would have given it a shot.
The easy kind of attention to get from guys is just the opposite. Men put on a show to convince women they are the perfect guy … until they get sex or until they see their efforts are pointless, in which case they cut their losses and move on.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I loved her unconditionally and she knew it and knew that the attention I gave to her was “real” and because of that overwhelming love I had for her and not because I was interested in something else from her. I loved her and loved just talking to her, even if we had nothing to talk about.
Anyway, Mom says, “I don’t think so, I think she’d miss you even if she was happy in a relationship.”
I said, “She’s already proven to me that that’s not true. When all I wanted was her to treat me as a friend, she couldn’t even give me that. She always made sure to let me know that I was at her disposal.”
Mom says, “I just can’t believe that.”
I said, “It’s true! Before she started seeing her boyfriend, we had already started drifting apart. Then after she started seeing him, we continued to drift apart and she made me feel like she regretted ever feeling the way she said she did towards me.”
“It really hurt,” I continued, “but I still wanted to remain friends, but eventually just gave up. A person can only take so much hurt. Plus, I figured it was best for her too since it seemed that if she didn’t blow me off right away when I'd call her ... she’d end up crying.”
"What's funny," I said, "is that it would have meant more to me if she would have treated me more like a close friend when she was seeing someone. If I find out that she's not seeing anyone and is all the sudden interested in wanting my friendship again ... it won't mean as much."
Mom sighs and says, “I don’t know what all happened, but it’s apparent that you both don’t see things as having happened the same way. Don’t you think you should at least talk about that?”
I said, “I tried! I wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on, but she’d always end up crying!”
Mom says, “Did you ever think that she treated you that way because she DID care about you, but for one reason or another she wanted to see what else was out there and needed to keep you at a distance so she could fully explore that?”
I said, “No! If anything, she made me feel like she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Like she wanted to date other guys, but still get the same attention from me when she wanted it. That’s why I felt I was at her convenience.”
Mom says, “I don’t know what else to say, it seems you’ve already made up your mind.”
“Don’t you,” she continued, “miss her at all?”
I said, “Of course I miss her.”
She asked, “Don’t you have any desire to talk to her at all?”
I said, “I just don’t trust her any more. It was hard enough to let her go once, I don’t want to have to do it again.”
She said, “You didn’t answer the question.”
I said, “I don’t know.”
She says, “Shane, it’s obvious you still care about her. I think the problem is that you still love her and that’s why you’re afraid to start talking to her again.”
I said, “Of course I still care about her and of course I still love her. You don’t love someone as much as I did her and just stop … you’re always going to have feelings for them.”
Mom says, “She really wants to talk to you. Can’t you just talk to her once and see what she wants?”
I said, “Why is it that when I wanted to talk and to be friends and she didn’t care, everyone seems to think that’s okay. But now that she wants to talk, I’m supposed to be the bigger person and forget how she treated me!”
Mom says, “It’s not about being the bigger person, Shane! Look at how many times she’s tried calling you, doesn’t that prove to you that she really wants to talk to you? She has sent you e-mails too … what more do you want?”
I said, “Yeah, she just sent me an e-mail like a week ago. That’s the first one she has sent me in almost two years.”
Mom says, “Well, she’s told me she has sent you lots of e-mails but that you never replied back.”
I said, “She’s lying! This is the first e-mail she has sent me in almost two years that has been solely for me. The other few she has sent, which has only been maybe a half-dozen, were e-mails she just forwarded to a lot of people … like jokes and stuff. If you don't believe me, I can show you because I've saved them all.”
Mom says, “Well, I don’t think she would lie to me, but still, you said before that if she’s tried calling and hasn’t been successful, then why wouldn’t she try e-mail. You used that excuse to show that she wasn’t trying very hard to get in touch with you. Now she’s e-mailed you too and you still won’t talk to her. You just can’t win with you.”
I said, “If there was just some way of knowing that she wants to talk to me because she wants to talk to me and not because she’s using me.”
Mom says, “She obviously misses you, Shane. My God, she asked if you wanted to go to Australia with her. What more proof do you need?”
I said, “First of all, that doesn’t mean anything, it could still be for selfish reasons. Secondly, it pisses me off that she has the nerve to ask me that when she did everything to keep me from coming … when there was actually more of a relationship between us. I mean, we’re not even friends right now!”
“See,” I continued, “the fact that we haven’t kept in touch and she thinks she can ask me that as a friend and I’m going to disrupt my life for her, a friend, because that’s what she wants now, it just proves she’s being selfish! It would be different if there was more between us.”
Mom says, “Well, I don’t know if she was asking as a friend.”
I asked, “What do you mean?”
She says, “Well, right before she asked me that, she asked me if you were single.”
I said, “That doesn’t mean anything. She probably asked because I’m obviously not going to leave my girlfriend to go to a country where the only reason I wanted to go before was because of her.”
Mom says, “Yeah, but I think she wouldn’t expect you to leave your family for a friend.”
I said, “Still, even if she’s looking for something more than friendship, what makes her think I’d even trust her again? Trust has to be earned!”
Mom says, “Well, it’s pretty hard for her to earn your trust when you won’t even give her a chance to talk to you.”
That pretty much ended the conversation. I had nothing left to say and she proved her point … and she knew it. I think all did was sigh and say, “I’ll think about it.”
Well, I thought about it while falling asleep and some since I’ve been up and I still haven't came to a decision.
I know what Mom means. I can’t expect her to prove to me that I can trust her unless I give her a chance to prove it to me, but I guess I’m just so afraid of being let down. I already feel in my Heart that she will let me down.
One of the reasons I quit talking to her was because I knew if I continued to try and she continued to treat me the way she was … I might lose everything I felt for her. I knew that if I stopped talking to her, I could hang on to some of it. I didn’t want to let it all go.
I guess I’m afraid if I give her a chance and I’m let down once again, even if just as a friend, I’ll never be able to see her the way I did again. I don’t know if I want to lose that.
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 3:37 PM
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Tuesday, October 12, 2004 |
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Confused
Earlier today when I checked my e-mail for the first time in days, I had found that Shahirah had sent me an e-mail on October 10th … two days ago. At first, I wasn’t surprised because she has sent me like half a dozen e-mails in the last year.
She hasn’t sent any to me personally, they’ve all been forwarded mails that looked like they were just forwarded to everyone in her address book, so I was in no hurry to read this one.
I take that back, she did send me a personal one like last December … I think. In it, she basically said she figured I was avoiding her and that she thinks that’s probably best. So that was even more proof to me that that’s what she wanted.
I also sent her a personal mail on Christmas day, just to wish her a “Merry Christmas” and to wish her the best in her life. I think those were the only personal e-mails, besides this one I read today, that has been exchanged between us in like a year.
Anyway, when I finally got to her mail, I was expecting to read some joke or something, but instead was very surprised. She wrote to tell me that she has missed me, that she’s sorry, and that she hopes things can be better between us.
I thought it was funny that she wrote, “…but I miss not bein' able to talk to you.” At first I was thinking, “But we’re not talking now, so how can you miss not talking to me?”
There’s that part of me that wonders if that’s one of those so-called Freudian slips, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt because I’m sure she meant, “… but I miss bein’ able to talk to you.” At least I hope so.
-sigh-
Ya know, today when I read her mail, I was really surprised. I even felt excited. For the first time in almost two years, she made me feel like she really cared about me.
I also started to feel really bad because she told me that she has been trying to get in touch with me by phone and that she calls my Mom here at home instead of on her mobile because she’s hoping I’ll be the one to answer … something both my Mom and hers has been telling me.
I didn’t really doubt my Mom or Maria about Shahirah trying to call me, but I doubted how often they were trying to convince me that she called because there were several times when I actually was hoping one of the “Out of Area” calls I received was actually her … but it never was.
Like back in March, I started feeling really bad about my decision concerning Shahirah, thanks to my Mom! I had “mono” so I slept like 18 hours a day and rarely ever left the house. I was totally wiped!
Anyway, my Mom had made me feel guilty, so I thought for one week I would answer every “Out of Area” call we got … at least the ones we got when I was awake! -lol-
Out of over a dozen calls, not one was Shahirah. That’s when I realized that she might call, but it wasn’t like on a weekly basis or anything. I got tired of talking to telemarketers, so I just once again stopped answering those calls, even if I was awake and home.
Then came July. I thought to myself that if she could actually remember my birthday and call, that’d prove to me that she really does care … at least on some level. I even thought if she sent me an e-mail or online greeting wishing me a “Happy Birthday,” I would get back in touch with her.
Well, my birthday came and went and I didn’t hear from her. So once again, I thought that that was proof enough of what she really felt for me.
There was one thing that bothered me though. When I got home later that night or early the next morning … I checked the Caller ID and there was one “Out of Area” call between 2-3 PM on my birthday, but there was no message on the voice mail. The odds are it was a telemarketer or even another overseas friend, but it bothered me to think that it might have actually been her and there was no way of me knowing.
Anyway, when I first read her mail today, I really thought she was being sincere and honest. I really thought I’d be getting in touch with her. Then after being out all day and thinking about it the whole while I was out … I don’t feel exactly the same way I did earlier today.
Like for instance, when she said she missed me, today that made me feel really good … but now I wonder why. I mean, why now? Last year when I missed her, she didn’t care and definitely didn’t seem to miss me. So now all I can think is that if she misses me, it has to be for some selfish reason.
For instance, I know that she’s back home for a while, so she’s away from her boyfriend (assuming they’re still seeing each other) and her friends. If she’s home and working and her boyfriend and friends are going to school, maybe she’s not able to talk to them as much as she would like … so now she misses me … the person that always put everything in the world on hold for her.
I’m not saying that’s why she misses me, it’s just an example of a selfish reason why she might miss me.
I could be wrong, maybe she really does miss me, but after giving it some thought … I sincerely think it’s for a selfish reason. I really doubt she misses me as a person and that more than likely she probably just misses how I made her feel.
I guess what I’m saying is that, after giving it some thought, I really don’t think she cares to talk to me because she wants to get to know me better again, but that it’s more likely that she wants to talk to me because she’s looking for me to make her feel as special as I did before … so now it’s convenient for her to miss me.
I don’t want to think that way, but I do. I can’t help it. Her actions over the last two years have made me think of her in this way. I sincerely believe in my heart that if someone was making her feel as special as I used to, she could care less if she ever heard from me again. And if that’s true, then it’s not ME she misses … but how I made HER FEEL.
I really don’t want to feel this way, but it’s what she’s proved to me time and time again.
Where was she when I wanted her friendship?
What’s worse is that in the past, she has told me herself that she only cares how things affect her, not that she can’t see other people’s suffering, but she can only feel bad for herself because she can’t feel what other people are feeling.
Even though that makes sense, I couldn’t believe that if you feel a certain way because of an incident, that you can empathize with someone going through the same thing. There’s one word for that … SELF-CENTERED!
Then, in her mail she said she’s “sorry”. When I first read that earlier, it made me feel good, but as I gave it more thought … I wondered if she even knew why she was sorry.
For all I know, she doesn’t think she did anything wrong and really doesn’t feel sorry, but just said it hoping that me hearing it would make me get back in touch with her.
I have a feeling that she feels sorry for breaking my heart by not wanting to pursue anything more than friendship, but I was the one to make that decision first. I knew in the course of a week, something had changed with her and I could really feel it and knew it was eventually going to happen anyway … so I put an end to the prospects of any kind of romantic relationship between us.
At first, I don’t think she agreed with me because she called my Mom the next day panicked, but after several days to think about it … she eventually came to the same conclusion. I think she finally realized that she didn’t really love me or at least loved the idea of playing the field a lot more.
I’m not saying that didn’t hurt … it did! But I’m the one that made that decision and knew it was for the best. And by making that decision, I felt like a burden had been lifted.
What really hurt me was how she treated me over the course of the next year.
When we talked and she told me that she came to the same conclusion as I, she said, “You’re my best friend and I hope that never changes.” The sincerity she said it with made me feel like I hadn’t lost her completely. I really felt she meant it.
Then everything she did after saying that just proved the opposite. If she wanted to call me and talk for two hours, then that was fine! It didn’t matter if I had plans or was being inconvenienced. If I call her, however, just to see how she’s doing, it’s at most a five minute conversation with her making me feel like I’m being a major inconvenience.
So basically her attitude was, “When I want to talk to you, I expect you to do as you have always done and put me first, but if you want to talk to me … just don’t bother because you’re on this planet for my convenience, not me for yours.”
What’s funny is that I told several people, and I think I even told her, I couldn’t call her a liar when she said that I was her best friend because she didn’t say anything about her being mine. So I very well could have been her best friend while she was being someone else’s best friend.
Anyway, the truth is, I don’t even want her to have to feel sorry. I just want her to realize that she hurt me with some of her words and a lot of her actions. If she could just realize that and then stop doing it, then that’s all I could ask, but since it’s not her being hurt … I guess she just doesn’t care.
What’s really bad is that the more I think about it, the more pissed I get about getting her e-mail.
It’s like she said she hopes things can be better between us, but what about when that’s what I wanted? She didn’t care then … so why now? I know why she cares now, because it’s HER that wants it! That’s why I get so fucking pissed.
-sigh-
It’s so funny the difference a day can make. I left today feeling really good and hopeful. I really thought that she might on some level care about me and actually miss ME.
Now, I just think she’s doing it because it would benefit her for now. It’s so funny that this person I loved so much and who seemed like one of the most loving and sincere people to me has become someone I view as one of the most selfish people I have met.
I don’t want to feel that way!
I’m even more confused than before. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know if I should bother getting in touch with her again or not. I really feel that if I do, I’m going to be let down when I find out that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
Am I thinking clearly or am I just seeing what I want to see?
I think what it comes down to is I had so much trust in her and she took it away and now I can’t believe anything she says. Or maybe I just don’t want to.
I don’t know. I really don’t know.
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 10:33 PM
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Thursday, October 07, 2004 |
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Shahirah
Do you believe in “love at first sight”? I didn’t, at least not since I was a young child, and I probably did then because when you’re young you believe just about anything, especially when everyone else seems to believe it.
When it comes to “love at first sight”, I remember as a child hearing adults talk about it and seeing it in movies and Disney cartoons … so naturally I believed it was a fact of life. By the time I reached the age of seven, I no longer believed in it.
Actually, I didn’t just stop believing in "love at first sight," but I lost my faith in marriage. I came to believe that, besides the love between a child and it’s parents and grandparents, no one really, truly loved anyone. How could I when it seemed that people who supposedly loved each other very much, tried their best to hurt each other?
By the time I was seven, I couldn’t even comprehend why anyone would want to get married. All married couples I knew seemed to fight a lot, and when they weren’t, they seemed to barely tolerate each other.
I remember being at a friend’s house once when his mom and dad got into a fight. I felt so weird being there and just wanted to leave, but felt like I couldn’t. I felt sorry for his mom because I couldn’t understand why his dad was being such an asshole.
It wasn’t so much the intense arguments I had witnessed that really jaded me, it was mostly the physical abuse and the cheating that led me to conclude there was no such thing as “happily ever after.”
I couldn’t then, and even to this day, understand what would make a man hit a woman … especially one he was suppose to love. I mean, outside her trying to kill him, I don’t think it’s justified. Then, the odds are, if she’s trying to kill him … it’s justified! -lol-
Of all the relationships I knew of when I was young, there is only a handful where I didn’t know of any cheating. I just couldn’t believe how many people cheated. It shocked me then and still does.
I knew of cheating in relationships in my own family, usually distant relatives that I really didn’t know of until they ended up staying at our house because of a divorce, and in the families of friends.
Most of the time, it was the guy that cheated, but there were several ladies I knew of that cheated … surprisingly more than I would have guessed. By my statistics, about 1 in 3 guys cheat, while 1 in 6 women cheat.
What I found most disturbing though was that it seemed whether if it was a man or woman that was cheating, the spouse being cheated on was one of the nicest people and most loyal spouses you could ever meet. I couldn’t understand how such nice, honest people usually ended up with such selfish, self-centered individuals … at least until I heard the theory of codependence and enabling.
Even though my definition of codependence is a little different from the traditional one, it still basically means that someone has an unhealthy dependence on someone … whether or not that person is good for them.
I mean, most of the time, a person has a dependence on someone that’s not good for them, which is why it’s such a problem, but sometimes a person is dependent on someone that really loves them and treats them great … which isn’t very good either because a person should be confident and self-assured.
How’s the old saying go? Something like, “You have to love yourself before you can TRULY love someone else.” Close enough.
So I guess my definition of codependence would imply that the unhealthy dependence a person has for another person is caused by low self-esteem, familiarity (you’ve been treated a certain way most of your life and that’s what you expect and are comfortable with), and in some cases … an unconscious desire for self-destruction.
One thing I find troubling is that most people in the type of relationship where they’re dependent on someone that’s not good for them, they honestly believe that they deserve it or that they don’t deserve any better, so they stick it out until the person they’re dependent on dumps them or until they realize that they do deserve better.
Anyway, by an early age, I stopped believing in “love at first sight.” I eventually concluded that it was impossible anyway. I asked myself, “How could anyone really love someone without knowing anything about them?” It didn’t make sense.
Honestly, how can you love someone without knowing them or anything about them? If it’s possible, then what is it about the person that you really love at first sight? Is it their intelligence, sense of humor, generous nature and Soul, or some other thing that you don’t yet know? <-- I’m being sarcastic.
Basically, my point is, how can you love someone without knowing them? If you don’t know them … then you don’t know anything about them. If you don’t know anything about them, then how can you love them?
For all you know, this person you love at first sight might have a lousy sense of humor, be a drug addict, or likes swinging kittens around and around by their tails.
So at an early age, I stopped believing in “love at first sight” and started believing in “lust at first sight.” Even though I couldn’t understand how someone could love someone without knowing anything about them, I could totally understand how someone would be physically attracted to someone at first sight.
I know that I’ve experienced “lust at first sight” about a bazillion times in my life, but I’m a guy … so that goes without saying.
I eventually came to conclude that people who thought they were experiencing “love at first sight” was actually just confusing “lust” and “love.” The fact that relationships based on “love at first sight” didn’t last, and sometimes ended with one or both parties having a strong dislike for the other, I thought just further substantiated my hypothesis.
So basically, before I was old enough to even know what love was, I lost my faith in it. I think my views on love at that time could best be summed up with one of Murphy’s Laws:
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
At least that’s how it seemed things always went. It’s like I’d always see someone who was so in love with someone that didn’t feel as strongly as the first person. It’s like relationships always end up with one person doing most of the giving and one person doing most of the taking. I could never understand, and still don’t, why this seems to be the way it almost always ends up. Is it the Universe just balancing itself out?
Anyway, this negative, pessimistic view I had of love changed that fateful day I met Shahirah. That day began a journey of rediscovery … that sometimes I wish I had never embarked upon.
If you do believe in “love at first sight,” what do you call it when you fall in love with someone without seeing them or even hearing their voice? That’s what happened with Shahirah.
I met Shahirah online, on those MSN chat servers that used to be listed when you clicked on the chat icon under Internet Explorer in the Start Menu. We were the only two in the chat room and apparently she thought I was someone else.
I had just logged on and didn’t plan on being on long, was just killing time. When she found out I wasn’t whom she thought I was, I think she was going to leave, but I asked her if she wanted to talk. Why? I was too lazy to look for someone else! -lol-
Plus, we had the room to ourselves and I thought that it might be neat for a change to talk one on one like that.
Anyway, we talked for a few minutes. I don’t even think we exchanged any identifying information. We just basically started talking and we both got booted, something I remember those chat servers doing a lot back then.
I rushed back in and looked for her, but couldn’t find her. I was extremely disappointed.
Why?
At that time, I didn’t really know or wasn’t fully aware of why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I just remember feeling sick in the pit of my stomach and having this sense of urgency to find this person.
The truth is, in the back of my mind, I knew why I felt this way. I was in love!
How could this be? I don’t believe in “love at first sight,” let alone “love at no sight.” We only talked a few minutes at most and I didn’t know a damn thing about this person. Yet, I was hooked. My heart was hurting and I think I felt sick because it’s like I felt I lost something that was suppose to be.
Needless to say, I thought there wasn’t anything I could do and I was just about to disconnect from the Internet. Then something happened.
I know it sounds stupid, but I had this flash of something … maybe the future … I don’t know. The flash only lasted for a second, but I felt like years had passed. Now that’s when the disappointment I felt turned into urgency.
I didn’t know what to do or to make of what was happening to me. I honestly didn’t know what to do.
Again, I know this is going to sound stupid, but what I did next I don’t honestly believe came totally from me because it’s just not me!
I had just downloaded ICQ sometime before because of another great friend I met online, Yanti. I only used it to talk to her. For some reason, I thought maybe I could find this mystery girl on ICQ. It’s just like some higher force was directing me. It’s almost like I could hear the whispers in my ears encouraging me to look.
I opened up ICQ Whitepages, I think that’s what it was, and started to look. The only thing I had to go on was the chat name this girl used. Not very promising, huh?
I typed it in and got lots of results. Somehow, I narrowed it down to three. Of the three, only one was online. I knew the chances were slim, but I sent her a message that said …
You have sent a message!
I was X-Man on MSN chat. I don't know if it was you I was talking to, but I got disconnected and was kind of disappointed I didn't get to know you better.
That was sent on 4/4/2000 at 8:55 AM.
Here’s the conversation that followed …
Me:
You have sent a message!
So, was it you?
Her:
You have received a message!
Oh alright......I remember you now....
I'm sorry hon but I gotta go...I'll be back in about half an hour or so.....if you wanna talk, we'll talk then 'kay?
Me:
You have sent a message!
That's okay.... I have to go too, I just wanted to talk to you sometime and I was afraid I'd forget your Nickname.
Her:
You have received a message!
:o) I'll see you around then hon....
Me:
You have sent a message!
Okay, hope so. Bye.
Her:
You have received a message!
bye...don't miss me! -lol-
Me:
You have sent a message!
LOL... okay.
That was our second conversation, the first was just as short. What’s funny is that looking back, I now see where I got the “-lol-“. OMG! I can’t believe that’s where I picked that up. That’s so weird.
What’s really weird is that I was actually able to find her. What are the odds?
Another strange thing is that after I found her, I couldn’t believe what I had done. That whole time, during the quest to find her, I didn’t even feel like I was in my body. I felt like I had no control over it.
Then once it was all over, I found myself back in my body, and feeling pretty stupid. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Me, someone that doesn’t believe in love, tracking someone down based on an intense feeling of … LOVE!!!
There was a part of me that hated myself for being so damn stupid. But there was a part of myself that felt absolutely amazing … which made that other side of myself hate myself even more for being so damn naïve.
That more grounded side thought, “Well, at least now I can talk to her and the faster I get to know her, the faster I can find out I can’t stand her.” I really believed it was inevitable. The more you get to know someone, the more you’ll grow to dislike them. I really believed that and was counting on it.
But that didn’t happen. The more I talked to her, the more in love I fell. I couldn’t understand it. There was nothing special about this person, but she was the most special person in the world to me.
I remember when we first exchanged photos; I was hoping I’d get a photo of a one-eyed girl, with no teeth, and a hunchback because I didn’t want to feel what I was feeing. When I saw her photo, I was staring at the most beautiful person I had ever saw.
In retrospect, I now realize that she could have been that one-eyed girl, and I probably would have felt the same way. I now realize that the reason she was so beautiful to me was because of what I was feeling.
Not to say she’s not beautiful, but what separates one beautiful person from the next? I see people out on a daily basis who is just as physically stunning, but why did she stand out so much? It had to be because of what I felt for her! Right?
Anyway, the more we talked, the more I fell in love. The more I fell in love, the more my heart hurt. The more my heart hurt, the more I didn’t want to be in love … but I was.
What’s worse is that I knew I could never tell her.
Needless to say, we both eventually found out how the other felt. I think she could tell how I felt, and I think was feeling the same way, and she finally got it out of me.
Once while talking, like 6 – 8 months after we first met, she says that she has to go and ends by saying, “I love you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted nothing more than to say those words to her, but here’s my chance to say them and I’m hesitating. Finally, I conclude I can’t leave her hanging like that so I say, “Love you too.”
The next time we talk, same thing happens in the same exact way, except this time when I said it back to her, she asks, “What do you mean by that?”
First, I was shocked considering that she said it first. I felt like saying, “What the hell did you mean?”
Anyway, my mind was scrambling for what to say. I promised myself to never let her know. I was about to say something like, “I just mean I love you as a friend or person, silly.”
But as soon as I go to say it, once again, I felt like something took me over. Instead, what came out of my mouth was the truth. I think it went something like, “I was just about to lie to you, but the truth is, I’ve been in love with you since we first talked.”
I think I slapped myself for being so stupid! I honestly thought I’d never hear from her again. Like George Costanza said in an episode of Seinfeld, “No one wants to be with someone that loves them!”
-lol-
Instead, she reveals she has feelings for me as well. I was so excited. I wanted to meet up, get married, and spend the rest of my life loving her. I wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life, trying to make this person I loved so much and so deeply as happy as I could.
That lasted for about a few seconds and then reality set in and I knew it would never be. I knew in my heart that what we had would never be anything more. There were just too many obstacles.
Not to spoil the ending to this little story, but that feeling turned out to be pretty much true.
We did get closer, lots closer. The closer we got, the more scared I got because I just knew it was never going to be. I kept falling more and more in love, and my heart just hurt more and more. That’s when I realized that no matter what happens, I’m going to get hurt.
It didn’t matter if we married and spent the rest of our lives together; I knew that everyday my heart was going to hurt because as close as we could get, it’d never be close enough. The love I felt for her was like nothing I had ever felt before.
Have you ever been so in love with someone that for all you care the rest of the opposite sex could be the same sex? You love this one person so much that you find yourself not checking out other men/women? You have such strong feelings for this one person that you know only they can satisfy your every desire and be the only one to give your heart some much needed relief?
Everything about Shahirah made my senses come alive. Every single sense I had seemed to become super heightened. I was so in love that the mere thought of her touch would make my skin feel electrified. The thought of her smell, the smell of her hair and skin, made my nose tingle. The thought of her beautiful voice and sweet laugh made my ears strain. The thought of the taste of her kiss made my lips quiver and tongue salivate. The thought of her image made my eyes long to see the real thing.
There’s not one thing about her that I could imagine finding fault with and there was not one thing about her that did not turn me on in a major way. It’s like every part of me craved every part of her, and I didn’t think I could ever get enough.
It’s like I’d use any excuse to have physical contact with her. I’d gladly massage her neck, shoulders, back, or cute lil’ feet … not to just make her feel better … but to also have that physical contact. In a way, it’d be almost as pleasurable for me to give, as it would be for her to receive.
I also knew that the simplest things she could do would take me out of this world. It’s like, the simple act of holding hands would be enough to make my heart skip beats and take my breath. Now with most people there’d come a time where holding hands wouldn’t have that same feeling attached to it. When it came to Shahirah, however, I knew that 100 years from now I’d get that same feeling even if our hands just brushed against each other.
That’s how much she physically, mentally, emotionally, and Spiritually turned me on.
There's a song that reminded me so much of how I felt about her.
I Miss You by Incubus
To see you when I wake up
is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
is a three-fold, utopian dream.
You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said,
I miss you. (?)
I see your picture,
I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again, whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care ... and I miss you!
That's how I knew I'd feel every day, even if she was constantly by my side. -sigh-
Tasha, my younger sister, once told me while driving somewhere, “I just can’t believe it.”
“What,” I asked.
“Not to be mean,” she said, “but I didn’t think you could love anyone. You always came off so cold and acted like you didn’t care anything about love and relationships and now … now you’re the most romantic guy I know. It’s just hard to believe.”
I said, “I fell in love.”
She asks me, “What’s so special about her that you became a totally different person?”
I replied, “I don’t know. My rational, logical mind says there’s nothing special about her. She’s just another person that’s no better and no worse than anyone else. But my heart, it sees her as one of the most special people … and I don’t know why. My heart, it knows. That’s all I can say.”
“I just want you to know, “ I continued, “that I may have appeared cold and unromantic and like I didn’t care, but that doesn’t mean that’s how I really felt. Deep down, I want to believe in love more than anyone, but it’s hard to when I’ve never known anyone to make it work. Maybe that’s why my heart sees her as special, because she was able to open it up and bring out what was already hidden there.”
Anyway, I was right, in the end I did get hurt. She broke my heart. She went off to college and like most people, changed radically. I don’t know if it’s the freedom of being away from everyone that you know (which most people use to define who they are) that causes this urge to let loose and see who else you can be, but whatever it was, it helped her see that she didn’t care anything about me.
She said that I was her best friend and hoped we’d always stay friends. I did too. I mean, it seemed impossible that we not at least be friends. This is someone I loved dearly and someone that I thought at one time had felt the same. So of course we’d always be friends.
Then she proved to me time and again that we weren’t even friends. I remember we went like two months without talking, even though she said she tried calling several times. When I finally call her, after her making me feel guilty when she finally caught me online, she blows me off … like every time I called.
I was thinking, "I stop bothering to keep in touch with you because you always make me feel unwanted and like a nuisance, but then you make me feel guilty so that I go out of my way to call and show you I AM trying … and once again you make me feel like you’re the one being inconvenienced. What the hell?"
It’s like every time I lowered my pride enough to call her and see how she was doing; she’d blow me off. I don’t think she ever talked to me for more than a few minutes on the phone, and rarely online.
But if I didn’t call, she’d make me feel guilty. I came to the conclusion that either she was just playing a game with me, maybe she was just really messed up and didn’t know what the hell she wanted, or was sick and only wanted something when she didn’t have it.
Anyway, it really hurt to be treated that way. I mean, she’d blow me off to do something with people she didn’t know very long. I wouldn’t have done that for her, I always put her first and pissed a lot of people off because of it.
The truth is, I didn’t want her to blow off her new friends for me, I just wanted to know that she would have … at least once. That’s all I needed. Had she shown me that once, I would have graciously told her I appreciate it and then encouraged her to go out with her friends … but she never showed that she cared even that much.
To make things worse, when we did talk, she’d say things that would just further show how much she didn’t care. There were a few things she said that hurt so much. The worst was when she denied saying things that she had said and that I had proof of in the form of emails, letters, and gifts and such.
The reason that hurt so much was because it was like her telling me that she wished she had never said or thought those things.
I was about to give up, was very determined to try and forget her, but for some reason … I gave her a little more time. She was going through a very bad time, which made me feel sorry for her, and I think I just wanted to make sure she was going to be okay.
Even though her actions and words made me feel unwanted, I loved her and wanted her to be happy. I knew if I quit talking to her at such a troubled time in her life that it would be next to impossible to not think and not worry about her.
I tried doing a few things to make her feel better, but they didn’t help and she really didn’t seem to care. I sent her a single rose for “Sweetest Day” with a card that said something like, “You may never be my Valentine again, but you’ll always be my Sweetie. I hope this helps make your day a little brighter.”
I was really trying to reach out to her and let her know that I wanted to be there for her and that I wasn’t expecting anything from her other than friendship. Apparently, she didn’t care. All she said when we talked next after she got the rose was something like, “Oh, I got the flower you sent. Thanks.” That was it!
Don’t get me wrong, an acknowledgement is really the least I expect, and that’s only so I know that the person got what I sent … so I know if I need to raise hell with the company I used for screwing up my order.
It’s just that in this case, I was looking for something more. First, I was hoping that the fact that I went out of my way to make her feel Special and to let her know I still care very much about her even though we weren’t getting along that great would help put her into a better mood than she had been in for a long while.
Secondly, I think I was looking for some indication that she still saw me as a friend and that she cared. Instead, her lack of enthusiasm made me feel like a second-rate acquaintance.
Some time later, when I talked to her friend, Vishali, on the phone, she brought up the flower I sent Shahirah. I guess she was there the day she got it. She told me how beautiful it was and gave me a good description of what it looked like and what had happened, and I remember thinking to myself that I wish I had sent it to her because she didn’t get it and she seemed to appreciate more than the person that did.
Plus, Vishali made me feel so much better because she told me that it did make Shahirah’s day a little happier. I muttered, “I wouldn’t have known it from her.”
I think that was the last time I talked to Vishali. I’ve felt bad ever since because I promised to call her the following week, and I wanted to, but I knew eventually Shahirah would come up as a topic since that was the main thing we had in common … and I had already made up my mind for like a month at that point not to bother talking to her (Shahirah) again.
It was hard enough to make that decision, so I didn’t want to hear anything about her, especially anything that would make me worry. I just wanted to forget her and I knew talking to Vishali, that wouldn’t be possible. So on the day I was supposed to call her (Vishali), I think I went deer hunting.
One of the things Vishali asked when we talked that I didn’t get to answer, and was trying to avoid talking about, she asked, “So how did you and Shahirah meet? How long have you known each other?” That’s when I knew if I wanted to forget Shahirah and not hear anything new about her, I had to stop talking to the people who knew her.
There was one person I couldn’t stop talking to completely though, Shahirah’s mom, Maria. I really like Maria because she has always been nice to me and has been more understanding than I could have ever imagined. That really surprised me.
I really think she knew how hurt I felt and she shared a little with me when she had been hurt … and that made me feel better to know I wasn’t alone. She could also make me laugh, something I needed a lot at that time.
Plus, I always told Shahirah that her mom had a really nice voice, so that’s always good enough reason to talk to her. -lol- I don’t know what it is about it, it’s just different. Even Vishali had a really nice voice. She was also really easy to talk to because she made you feel like you knew each other for a long while. That’s another reason I feel bad for just stopping talking to her and not even bothering to offer an explanation. -sigh-
Sheesh … got way off on a tangent there!
Anyway, every time Shahirah and me would talk, she would just prove to me more and more how little she cared. I tried to make it clear to her that if this continued between us … there was going to be no us.
At first, I would just hint at it. Like once when she was blowing me off after only talking for like a minute, I sarcastically said, “At this rate, by next year, we won’t be talking any more.” I was basically trying to give her a clue. What’s even more telling is that she didn’t say anything about it. She didn’t dismiss it in anyway.
I mean, had she said, “Don’t be silly … you can’t get rid of me that easy!” or something like it … I would have at least felt that she was paying attention to what was happening and that she might actually care if we did stop talking. Instead, her lack of concern just further made me feel she could care less.
I even made that same remark to two of her friends when I talked to them online. Usually, one of the first things they would bring up would be Shahirah, probably because she was something we had in common. That’s when I would say that we hadn’t talked much in a long time and at the rate things were going … we wouldn’t be talking at all.
What’s funny is that I think they knew that too. One of them, unintentionally, really helped confirm what I was feeling. I got the feeling that even she thought Shahirah wasn’t the same person and therefore, didn’t feel the same way about certain things in her life.
Then I got to the point where I just flat out told her (Shahirah) what I was thinking. I didn’t just include what I expected from her as a friend, but I told her what I really wanted between the two of us. I told her I didn’t expect her to feel the same way, but thought I’d try one last time and that at the very least I did expect certain things from her as a friend and if she couldn’t provide them … then maybe she could at least provide an explanation so I wouldn’t feel I was being played with or used.
All she did was cry and say, “I can’t talk about this!”
I think that was the last time we talked. I felt bad for her. It broke my heart to hear her cry, but she didn’t care that my heart was breaking. She didn’t care that all I was looking for from her was just something to let me believe she never lied to me about how she felt. She didn’t care if she said something to hurt me. She couldn’t put her feelings aside once to address mine. I couldn’t even understand what she was crying about. She was supposedly in a happy relationship, so I concluded that it was me.
I made up my mind there to not talk to her again. I thought, “If I make her cry every time I talk to her, then she’s better off without me in her life anyway.” Plus, I thought I’d take her own advice.
For years, she would say things like …
“I don’t deserve you.”
“You deserve better than me.”
“You’d be better off without me.”
“You should just forget about me.”
Once, while we were talking and I thought things were going fine, she started crying and said, “Why do you love me so much? Please stop loving me!”
I was shocked and hurt. It hurt to know that my love seemed to be causing her pain. It’s not exactly what someone wants to hear. All I could say was something like …
“I can’t help the way I feel about you. I don’t expect you to feel the same way, but don’t ask me to stop loving you because I can’t. I didn’t choose to start loving you, so I can’t choose to stop.”
Anyway, I decided that she was better off without me and I think that’s what she really wanted … so I also finally took her advice.
It’s been almost a year since we last talked and I was hoping that I’d know by today if I wanted to get back in touch with her or not because today is her birthday.
There’s that part of me that still wants her to know that I still care and wish her the best, but there’s that part of me that just wants to leave things as is. I guess I’m afraid even just wishing her a “Happy Birthday” might reopen old wounds.
I mean, I don’t know how she feels about us not talking because we haven’t been talking, but I know I’m at a place where I feel comfortable. I guess I feel free. Free of the pain of being hurt because of the love I had for her, free of her hurting me, and free of worry since I don’t know anything that’s been going on in her life in the last year. It’s easy to just pretend that she’s very happy … especially if I don’t know otherwise.
I’ve thought that maybe I could just send her an e-mail or an online greeting wishing her a “Happy Birthday” and just leave it at that, but I have a feeling I won’t be able to leave it at just that.
I mean, I don’t want to send her an e-mail that she might reply to that would require me to reply back to, which I don’t because all I wanted to do was just wish her “Happy Birthday,” and then she think I’m a jerk because I didn’t reply to her mail.
-sigh-
I’m so confused! I so wanted to know what to do, to have an answer by now, so I could wish her a “Happy Birthday” while it’s still her birthday … but I just don’t know what would be best.
Part of me thinks maybe I should just log into MSN Messenger right now and send a quick message wishing her “Happy Birthday.” I’m sure she’s on right now and once I’m logged on, I’ll have to say something, so it’ll be a way of forcing myself.
What to do? What To DO? WHAT TO DO?
I’m tired, so maybe I’ll just sleep on it and have my answer by tomorrow … err … today. It’ll still technically be her birthday … so at the very least I can still send her a mail or online card if I come to that conclusion.
Too bad I don't have her mobile number, I could just text message her.
Well, I’m really tired now, so I’m off to bed. Maybe things will seem clearer after a good nights sleep.
Maybe.
But before I go, I’ll answer the question I posed at the beginning of this post.
Do I, now after having this experience, believe in “love at first sight?”
Yes I do. I really do. Even though no sight was involved, I did experience that feeling of loving someone at first contact. I don’t remember who said it, but I heard someone describe “love at first sight” perfectly. It went something like this:
“Love at first sight is when two Souls communicate everything there is to know about each other in a few seconds and that leaves you wanting to spend the rest of your life relearning what you just learned.”
I think that describes perfectly what I felt the first time I talked to Shahirah.
Unfortunately, even though I’m back to believing in “love at first sight,” I have once again lost my faith in love. It’s not that I don’t believe in love … I do. I just don’t believe people are capable of staying in love. Maybe we just live too long to love someone forever.
Even though I don’t believe in other peoples’ ability to love, if nothing else, meeting Shahirah allowed me to discover the amazing love that exists in my own Heart … the only place I can be for sure that it really exists. For that, I am thankful to her.
Do I believe love can ever work? I’ll sum up my answer to that question with a quote.
“A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.” -- Oscar Wilde
With that … I’m out of here!
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 1:54 AM
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| MARVEL, SPIDER-MAN, DOCTOR OCTOPUS and all MARVEL character names and distinctive likenesses thereof: TM & © 2003 Marvel Characters, Inc. All Rights Reserved. MARVEL and SPIDER-MAN: Trademarks registered in the USA and certain other countries. © 2003 Sony Pictures Digital Inc. All rights reserved. |
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