| Past Grievances |
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Just when you think all is well ...
Adult Fairy Tales
Can you read this?
Merry Christmas!!!
It's CHRISTmas!!!
Male Intuition
Eureka!
Who Wants To Know?
My Next 30 Years
Healing Power of Writing
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Sunday, May 29, 2005 |
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Conflicted
I just got home a little while ago and logged onto MSN Messenger as soon as I got home to see if Shahirah was online because I told her I would. I did, however, tell her I’d be home around 1 or 2 a.m. when she called last night … not after 10 a.m.!
Well, she did tell me that she wouldn’t be home at that time anyway because of a group meeting, but she did say she might be online still. So I guess it didn’t matter because I doubt she was even online at that time if she was meeting with her group mates.
Anyway, I have a lot to write about, but I’ll do that later.
For now, I just want to write to get a feeling out, hoping it will help it subside.
It’s just that, while talking to Shahirah just now online and getting my ass kicked by her in Minesweeper, Tic-Tac-Toe, and Checkers … I’m feeling something for her that I don’t want to feel.
I don’t know why even!
I just think it’s the way she’s been lately. She has so seemed so focused on schoolwork and she feels like such a stronger person mentally and emotionally.
Plus, the fact that she whipped my ass so easily in the games we played is actually a turn on. Sure I’m tired as hell having been up all night so it wasn’t entirely fair, but I find it attractive that she wasn’t taking it easy on me.
Not to mention the fact that she sent me to her weblog to see a few photos of her to dispute a claim I made about the photo of her she was using on Messenger … which totally didn’t help. Seeing her just made the feeling worse!
I swear, she always looks good!
-sigh-
I don’t want to feel this way again! I fight it so much! I know love don’t last and it never works and you’re just setting yourself up for a big heartbreak, but your Heart still wants what it wants … ya know?
She’s still not feeling well I guess, so I’m trying to talk her into going to bed. Not so much because I want her to go, but I know she probably needs more sleep than she’s been getting. Plus, if I can’t talk to her, then maybe this feeling will subside.
Maybe.
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 12:32 PM
0 comment(s)
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Sunday, May 22, 2005 |
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Guilt
I was lying in bed this morning, before falling asleep, feeling bad because I realized I wasn’t totally there for anyone I talked to last night. I don’t know how anyone can talk to so many people and really carry on an “involved” conversation.
In my last post, I said I was talking to 3 people online, but I meant 3 other people than Shahirah … so 4 total. I don’t know how people do it!
I mean, to really have a conversation is to be giving of yourself, something hard to do when your attention is on 6-8 different things at the same time.
First, I still feel bad for Shahira. She’s a sensitive person, even though I think she tries to hide it. And even though I talked to her and feel I did pay enough attention, I guess I feel bad because I know how she must have been feeling.
So I guess I feel bad because I knew there was nothing I could do that would ease her pain. All I could really do is … just listen. That just makes you feel so useless.
Then there’s Maria, Shahirah’s Mom.
Not long after talking to Shahirah, I also got to talk to Maria.
She told me she was thinking about quitting her job, which I know is a big decision to make, but instead of just listening or offering any real advice … I was whining to her about how Mom needs to do the same exact thing because she gets so taken advantage of where she works. Actually, that seems to happen pretty much everywhere she works.
I’ll have to write about Mom another time!
Anyway, I guess I was hoping to make Maria feel good about her decision by illustrating that sometimes you need to stand up for yourself and make bold decisions, even though it’s almost always hard to do for one reason or another.
So I guess I thought if she saw how naïve Mom is being, only because she has a Heart that’s way too big for her own good, that Maria would feel better about her decision if that’s the choice she does make.
I really feel bad for Maria because I can tell she really likes where she works (which would be a reason it would be hard to make the bold decision to leave), but she said her new boss is deliberately making things difficult for her and therefore … making her work a lot more stressful.
Maria is very nice too, has put up with my whining in the past, but I think she has “healthy boundaries” and knows that you don’t always have to get taken advantage of to be a nice person. That’s why I’m not too worried about her.
She did say that she knows she has to watch out for her health after what happened a couple years back, so I know she knows not to let her job jeopardize her health … something I hope Mom knows.
Plus, Maria’s worried that Shahirah will worry if she quits her job because she’s still in school and gets help from her Mom. I know Maria knows that her daughter is a very high-stressed person to begin with and tends to be easily depressed and that’s why she doesn’t want her to worry about it. I can tell she wants Shahirah to get through her final year of school as stress-free as possible.
I really didn’t offer any advice, but I just hope Maria does what’s best for her because everything else will work itself out. It always does!
Now if I can remember to follow that same advice when I need it.
Lastly, there’s Shahirah.
I’m still not sure why she got upset, but the fact that she was upset means I must have let her down in some way, which makes me feel bad. I know I shouldn’t because she has really let me down in the past, but I can’t help but be me!
I just hope she realizes it wasn’t intentional.
Anyway, it looks like I need to set some “healthy boundaries” of my own. I shouldn’t feel guilty over things I have no control over.
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 2:28 PM
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Disappointed
-sigh-
It seems no matter how good your intentions are - you can’t please everyone all the time.
Shahirah called tonight and we talked for a lil’ bit on the phone. She had a cold and sounded really cute, kind of sexy even. She was also playing Hearts and then Minesweeper and I was finishing making a friend a CD. She asked me if I could come online and do voice chat and I agreed.
The only thing is, I didn’t really have a microphone … except on this headset I got, which is quite nice actually. The only thing that would make it great would be if it was wireless. Usually, I just use the mic on my webcam, but that’s packed away somewhere. I was using this headset in what I was doing, but knew it wouldn’t take long and told her as soon as I was done I could use it for voice chat.
I did get the CD done, but then Greg came over to pick up a movie I picked up for him at Best Buy earlier this week. I was going to give it to him Wednesday night, but that didn’t work out. I think he was bored tonight and just wanted to go do something, for a change, so that’s why he drove all the way from Ashland.
He told me the other day, “I don’t like you not living in Ashland.”
I’m sure it’s just for the convenience and not because he misses me or anything.
Anyway, after talking to him in here a bit while also trying to talk to three people online at the same time, he decided to go. I’m not sure if it’s because he was just getting tired or because I was trying to talk to too many people at once.
I walked him out to his car, but we ended up standing out there talking for a bit. Zach was out there too.
While out there, I saw a shooting star. It was awesome. It moved pretty slowly for a shooting star. It was first white in color, then green, then red. Greg and Zach, however, didn’t get to see it. Strange how that always works out. I’ve seen more shooting stars than all the people I know combined. I’ve seen some really awesome ones too. I actually saw a flaming meteor one night, years ago, on Christmas Eve. That was definitely the biggest … I think.
Anyway, when I came back in, I apologized to Shahirah. She was doing an assignment and talking to other people while I was gone … so I didn’t think it was a big deal.
She asked me to download an Internet telephony program called “Skype,” but I started to experience trouble with my PC because of some files a friend sent me. It kept freezing up and I have no clue why because everything seemed fine. Maybe my memory was just maxed out or something.
Once I got my PC stable and came back online, I told her I’d download the program another time so I didn’t waste any more time. I told her I’d rather talk to her in Messenger with the time I had left, because she was leaving soon, then wasting it downloading a program and installing and setting it up and not getting to talk at all.
She seemed pissed. Just to be sure and to be sure it wasn’t her picture influencing how I thought she was feeling (even though her photo looked really good, it also looked serious) … I asked her. I didn’t want to be accused of “reading too much into" something again.
She did admit she was very upset with me.
I apologized, but it didn’t make a difference. She was still upset and I don’t know why. I mean, most of the time, unless we’re on the phone (and even then I wouldn’t know why she wouldn’t want to) … I think she’d prefer to be talking to someone else anyway.
Plus, she got some of an assignment done and she had other people talking to her while I was off.
I don’t know … maybe she actually wanted to talk to me. I just don’t see why. I have such a hard time being myself when I talk to her. Not just now, but always have … and I’m not sure why!
-sigh-
With anyone else, I can be the dork, goofball, jerk, over-thinker that I am. When it comes to her, I just become so … on guard? I think I definitely put up walls.
Natasha, my sister, was always saying, "You are so different when you're on the phone with her!"
When I'd ask her what she means, she'd just say, "You're just different."
Maybe it’s because of how I felt for her. Maybe because of feeling so strongly for her, I knew that she could hurt me the most … so instead of opening up and showing all sides of myself … I tried to have some control over how much of me got exposed to her.
I mean, maybe out of fear of getting hurt, which I knew would be a big hurt, I tried to limit my exposure to her. It’s like I could show her that loving side very easily (even though it was really just a fraction of how I felt), but to lessen a future hurt … I shut the rest of me off hoping that would create enough of a distance to allow that to happen (lessening of a hurt).
Ya know?
Does that make sense?
It’s like what hurts the most is allowing yourself to get as close as possible to someone and really loving it and then losing it. So by just showing her one side of me, I think I thought I was keeping enough distance to avoid that kind of closeness so that if I did lose it … it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
So I guess I was trying to get close, but not too close.
I think Jesse would accuse me of doing the same thing now.
-sigh-
That’s why sometimes I don’t understand why Shahirah would want to put up with it. I’ve told her that even though she knows one side of me very well and probably better than anyone else, she knows all of me probably least of anyone.
Maybe openly showing her that tremendous amount of love I felt for her, which I had no problem doing, was enough for her to fill in the blanks in my personality. I don’t know. I mean, I think she knows I’m a dork and I know she thinks I’m weird … so maybe she figured me out even with me not showing her.
I guess I’m writing this because I’m just confused and frustrated. She has never hesitated to put things she wants or needs to do before me, so why should she expect anything different from me?
If I was talking to her and a friend of hers dropped by, I can say without hesitation that I know that would be the end of our conversation. Being the understanding person I am, I would try not to take it personally and no matter how much I might have wanted to talk to her, I’d figure it’d make the next time that much better.
And it’s not that I wouldn’t put her first, the way I felt … I did all the time! I’d put her above all else and catch hell about it from everyone around me! Mom would get so upset with me sometimes because I’d promise to do something, like take her car to be serviced, and then blow it off because of Shahirah.
I don’t blame Shahirah though because she never asked me. I did it because that’s how I felt!
She has never done that for me, but yet she still gets upset with me. It’s just not fair!
Here’s an excerpt from our Messenger session:
Me: you have to go in like what ... 40 min?
Her: yeah
Me: yeah, i'll just do it later. I'd rather stay on here and talk to you what little time is left then mess around with that and have like 20 minutes ... ya know?
Her: whatever
Me: honestly ... are you pissed or just indifferent?
Her: quite upset
Me: I don't know if it's your pic, but seems like your pissed. Okay, then I'm gettin' the vibe. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't reading into it too much. I am sorry!
Her: yeah ok
A few minutes later …
Me: you're still upset?
Her: yes
Me: I don't know what else to do. It's not like I planned for things to go the way they did. I never get to talk to you and lately, I've actually enjoyed talking to you when we talk ... so it's not like ... never mind. I'm sorry, that's all I can say.
Her: ok
Me: so am I forgiven for not having 100% control over the events in my life? :D
After a long pause …
Me: guess not ... c'est la vie.
Her: i'm havin a headache
Her: i'm gonna go now
Her: you better go to sleep too since it is late there
Her: but knwoin you it will take you ages to log off
Her: so take care and have a good Sunday
Her: and say hi toyour mum and the rest of the family for me
Me: okay .. it was nice talkin' to you anyway. Hope you feel better soon.
Her: we didnt talk
Her: good bye
Me: bye
That’s it.
I did want to talk to her, which is why I didn’t want to waste any more time. I apologized, for things out of my control even, and meant it. What more can a person do?
I know I’m not the one being unreasonable. Maybe it’s just her. She did say tonight on the phone that she’s a “Drama Queen.” So maybe it’s something I just have to accept about her.
I guess I’m just really disappointed because things seemed to be going really well. She’s avoided pissing me off or making me feel hurt, and I know I’ve said this in past posts (which aren’t up yet), but she’s seemed to change a lot … and I really like those changes … a lot.
Meanwhile, she has no idea how hard it is to still talk to her sometimes, and for different reasons than before. And as much as I’d rather not sometimes, I fight giving in to what I’m feeling, and face her anyway.
It’s now almost 7:40 a.m. I should probably really try to sleep for a few hours. I’m so pissed that I’m getting to bed this late, I should just stay up all freakin’ day!
-sigh-
I hope Shahira is okay. She saw her Dad off to India and he’s not in good health and it’ll probably be the last time she sees him. And I think I have something to feel upset about?
I definitely don’t envy her. I have lost two people really close to me and I really don’t think I could take it happening again. I don’t feel I have it in me. If it’d happen again, it’d be best if someone would just rip my Heart out and bury it too.
At least she got to say “goodbye.”
If I knew I was going to lose either one of the two I lost, I would have told them how much I loved them even if I don’t always show it and how much I appreciate them and how thankful I am to have got to share my life with them and how much my Heart will ache from missing them.
But I know they already know that.
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 8:01 AM
0 comment(s)
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005 |
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Excited
Today, I slept in late because Greg came over to pick up a ticket for tonight and was here until like 3 a.m. Then I had two loads of laundry to finish, so I didn’t get to bed until between 5-6 a.m.
Anyway, I had some very unusual dreams today, which will remain private because … well … they were of a private nature. They do, however, make me wonder … hmm.
Shahirah called and left a message a little after noon, but I was still in dreamland at that time. Oddly enough, she was there too! 
I came online to talk to her for a few minutes, but she was already off. She must have got finished with her assignments faster than she thought she would.
I’m glad though, I really hope she’s sleeping. I’ve been a little worried because she hasn’t been sleeping much … and she’s a person that really needs her sleep!!! 
The same goes for someone else reading this. You know who you are … Jesse! Well, at least you do now!
Anyway, my Grandpa wants to go to Cracker Barrel to eat, Broccoli Cheddar Chicken night, and I want to try to fit in a bike ride and I need to get ready so I’m ready for tonight … so I’m out of here.
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 4:39 PM
0 comment(s)
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| MARVEL, SPIDER-MAN, DOCTOR OCTOPUS and all MARVEL character names and distinctive likenesses thereof: TM & © 2003 Marvel Characters, Inc. All Rights Reserved. MARVEL and SPIDER-MAN: Trademarks registered in the USA and certain other countries. © 2003 Sony Pictures Digital Inc. All rights reserved. |
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