It seems no matter how good your intentions are - you can’t please everyone all the time.
Shahirah called tonight and we talked for a lil’ bit on the phone. She had a cold and sounded really cute, kind of sexy even. She was also playing Hearts and then Minesweeper and I was finishing making a friend a CD. She asked me if I could come online and do voice chat and I agreed.
The only thing is, I didn’t really have a microphone … except on this headset I got, which is quite nice actually. The only thing that would make it great would be if it was wireless. Usually, I just use the mic on my webcam, but that’s packed away somewhere. I was using this headset in what I was doing, but knew it wouldn’t take long and told her as soon as I was done I could use it for voice chat.
I did get the CD done, but then Greg came over to pick up a movie I picked up for him at Best Buy earlier this week. I was going to give it to him Wednesday night, but that didn’t work out. I think he was bored tonight and just wanted to go do something, for a change, so that’s why he drove all the way from Ashland.
He told me the other day, “I don’t like you not living in Ashland.”
I’m sure it’s just for the convenience and not because he misses me or anything.
Anyway, after talking to him in here a bit while also trying to talk to three people online at the same time, he decided to go. I’m not sure if it’s because he was just getting tired or because I was trying to talk to too many people at once.
I walked him out to his car, but we ended up standing out there talking for a bit. Zach was out there too.
While out there, I saw a shooting star. It was awesome. It moved pretty slowly for a shooting star. It was first white in color, then green, then red. Greg and Zach, however, didn’t get to see it. Strange how that always works out. I’ve seen more shooting stars than all the people I know combined. I’ve seen some really awesome ones too. I actually saw a flaming meteor one night, years ago, on Christmas Eve. That was definitely the biggest … I think.
Anyway, when I came back in, I apologized to Shahirah. She was doing an assignment and talking to other people while I was gone … so I didn’t think it was a big deal.
She asked me to download an Internet telephony program called “Skype,” but I started to experience trouble with my PC because of some files a friend sent me. It kept freezing up and I have no clue why because everything seemed fine. Maybe my memory was just maxed out or something.
Once I got my PC stable and came back online, I told her I’d download the program another time so I didn’t waste any more time. I told her I’d rather talk to her in Messenger with the time I had left, because she was leaving soon, then wasting it downloading a program and installing and setting it up and not getting to talk at all.
She seemed pissed. Just to be sure and to be sure it wasn’t her picture influencing how I thought she was feeling (even though her photo looked really good, it also looked serious) … I asked her. I didn’t want to be accused of “reading too much into" something again.
She did admit she was very upset with me.
I apologized, but it didn’t make a difference. She was still upset and I don’t know why. I mean, most of the time, unless we’re on the phone (and even then I wouldn’t know why she wouldn’t want to) … I think she’d prefer to be talking to someone else anyway.
Plus, she got some of an assignment done and she had other people talking to her while I was off.
I don’t know … maybe she actually wanted to talk to me. I just don’t see why. I have such a hard time being myself when I talk to her. Not just now, but always have … and I’m not sure why!
-sigh-
With anyone else, I can be the dork, goofball, jerk, over-thinker that I am. When it comes to her, I just become so … on guard? I think I definitely put up walls.
Natasha, my sister, was always saying, "You are so different when you're on the phone with her!"
When I'd ask her what she means, she'd just say, "You're just different."
Maybe it’s because of how I felt for her. Maybe because of feeling so strongly for her, I knew that she could hurt me the most … so instead of opening up and showing all sides of myself … I tried to have some control over how much of me got exposed to her.
I mean, maybe out of fear of getting hurt, which I knew would be a big hurt, I tried to limit my exposure to her. It’s like I could show her that loving side very easily (even though it was really just a fraction of how I felt), but to lessen a future hurt … I shut the rest of me off hoping that would create enough of a distance to allow that to happen (lessening of a hurt).
Ya know?
Does that make sense?
It’s like what hurts the most is allowing yourself to get as close as possible to someone and really loving it and then losing it. So by just showing her one side of me, I think I thought I was keeping enough distance to avoid that kind of closeness so that if I did lose it … it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
So I guess I was trying to get close, but not too close.
I think Jesse would accuse me of doing the same thing now.
-sigh-
That’s why sometimes I don’t understand why Shahirah would want to put up with it. I’ve told her that even though she knows one side of me very well and probably better than anyone else, she knows all of me probably least of anyone.
Maybe openly showing her that tremendous amount of love I felt for her, which I had no problem doing, was enough for her to fill in the blanks in my personality. I don’t know. I mean, I think she knows I’m a dork and I know she thinks I’m weird … so maybe she figured me out even with me not showing her.
I guess I’m writing this because I’m just confused and frustrated. She has never hesitated to put things she wants or needs to do before me, so why should she expect anything different from me?
If I was talking to her and a friend of hers dropped by, I can say without hesitation that I know that would be the end of our conversation. Being the understanding person I am, I would try not to take it personally and no matter how much I might have wanted to talk to her, I’d figure it’d make the next time that much better.
And it’s not that I wouldn’t put her first, the way I felt … I did all the time! I’d put her above all else and catch hell about it from everyone around me! Mom would get so upset with me sometimes because I’d promise to do something, like take her car to be serviced, and then blow it off because of Shahirah.
I don’t blame Shahirah though because she never asked me. I did it because that’s how I felt!
She has never done that for me, but yet she still gets upset with me. It’s just not fair!
Here’s an excerpt from our Messenger session:
Me: you have to go in like what ... 40 min?
Her: yeah
Me: yeah, i'll just do it later. I'd rather stay on here and talk to you what little time is left then mess around with that and have like 20 minutes ... ya know?
Her: whatever
Me: honestly ... are you pissed or just indifferent?
Her: quite upset
Me: I don't know if it's your pic, but seems like your pissed. Okay, then I'm gettin' the vibe. Just wanted to make sure I wasn't reading into it too much. I am sorry!
Her: yeah ok
A few minutes later …
Me: you're still upset?
Her: yes
Me: I don't know what else to do. It's not like I planned for things to go the way they did. I never get to talk to you and lately, I've actually enjoyed talking to you when we talk ... so it's not like ... never mind. I'm sorry, that's all I can say.
Her: ok
Me: so am I forgiven for not having 100% control over the events in my life? :D
After a long pause …
Me: guess not ... c'est la vie.
Her: i'm havin a headache
Her: i'm gonna go now
Her: you better go to sleep too since it is late there
Her: but knwoin you it will take you ages to log off
Her: so take care and have a good Sunday
Her: and say hi toyour mum and the rest of the family for me
Me: okay .. it was nice talkin' to you anyway. Hope you feel better soon.
Her: we didnt talk
Her: good bye
Me: bye
That’s it.
I did want to talk to her, which is why I didn’t want to waste any more time. I apologized, for things out of my control even, and meant it. What more can a person do?
I know I’m not the one being unreasonable. Maybe it’s just her. She did say tonight on the phone that she’s a “Drama Queen.” So maybe it’s something I just have to accept about her.
I guess I’m just really disappointed because things seemed to be going really well. She’s avoided pissing me off or making me feel hurt, and I know I’ve said this in past posts (which aren’t up yet), but she’s seemed to change a lot … and I really like those changes … a lot.
Meanwhile, she has no idea how hard it is to still talk to her sometimes, and for different reasons than before. And as much as I’d rather not sometimes, I fight giving in to what I’m feeling, and face her anyway.
It’s now almost 7:40 a.m. I should probably really try to sleep for a few hours. I’m so pissed that I’m getting to bed this late, I should just stay up all freakin’ day!
-sigh-
I hope Shahira is okay. She saw her Dad off to India and he’s not in good health and it’ll probably be the last time she sees him. And I think I have something to feel upset about?
I definitely don’t envy her. I have lost two people really close to me and I really don’t think I could take it happening again. I don’t feel I have it in me. If it’d happen again, it’d be best if someone would just rip my Heart out and bury it too.
At least she got to say “goodbye.”
If I knew I was going to lose either one of the two I lost, I would have told them how much I loved them even if I don’t always show it and how much I appreciate them and how thankful I am to have got to share my life with them and how much my Heart will ache from missing them.
