Taking a break from packing. I thought I should check my e-mail since I won’t be online for a while after the move. I now have over 300 unread messages because I have barely been online in the last two weeks.
Not wanting to even begin to sift through them, I sent a mail to a new online friend, Lili. I stumbled upon her weblog and added her to my ICQ. I had to get to know the girl behind the blog … heh heh.
I guess I’m writing an entry now because I’m not really motivated to keep packing at the moment. I’ve been so damn busy with the move the last two weeks that I’m ready for something new and different.
If I haven’t been cleaning out my Grandpa’s basement, helping build my new apartment, or cleaning and packing here at home … I’ve been sleeping. I can’t wait until this move is finally over and everything is settled.
-sigh-
I dreamed about Shahirah again today. Unlike last time, I haven’t even been thinking about her … I’ve been too busy to think about anything.
Last time I dreamed about her, I was thinking about her a lot because she was trying to get in touch with me, but this time I don’t think I’ve thought about her since after the day she left her last message ... like two Fridays ago.
I mailed her the day before that to let her know that more than likely I would be getting in touch with her and that it might not be for a few weeks because I was busy moving. I joked that because of her persistence in trying to get in touch with me, I was finally weakening.
I don’t know, maybe I wasn't clear, but I don’t think she took it the way I meant it because she called and left me a voice mail here at home on November 19 ... I think.
She told me not to call if I don’t feel like it or just because I feel sorry for her. At first, I was confused but happy that I was off the hook. Here she was saying that I didn’t have to call her and that she wouldn’t pressure me any more … what I’ve been wanting!
There was only one problem … she sounded like she was crying or about to cry. Still, I tried to ignore it and just told myself that she had a cold because I think that’s what Mom had told me recently.
Then the next day when she checked the messages, Mom hears her message and says, “I heard that message from Shéra, was she crying?”
I said, “I don’t know, but she said I didn’t have to get in touch with her.”
Mom says, “And the fact that she sounded like she was about to cry doesn’t bother you?”
I said, “I couldn’t tell if she was crying or not. You even said she had a cold.”
Mom says, “That’s just because you don’t want to hear it. You just want to take what she said as an excuse not to talk to her.”
I left it at that because she was right. It’s not like I didn’t feel guilty, I was just trying to ignore it for once.
I really think there must be some higher force trying to keep us apart. I swear, once one of us gives in … the other pushes away.
What the hell?
Anyway, the fact that she might have been crying or about to caused me to re-evaluate what I was thinking. I thought that maybe if she was crying, that she still wanted me to get in touch with her, but not for the wrong reasons.
So if that’s true, then maybe she really has given this some thought and truly wants to be friends for the right reasons. Maybe she’s not just trying to get in touch with me because she wants to use me … maybe she really does want me as a friend.
The only thing is, I don’t understand how she took my mail the wrong way.
I mean, of course I’m going to feel bad and sad that she keeps trying to get in touch with me when I won’t give an inch. Of course her persistence is going to make me feel guilty, but isn’t that why she’s doing it in the first place? Isn’t she trying to wear me down to get what she wants?
Anyway, of course I’m going to feel bad for her, it’s not like I hate her. I can see that she’s really trying, but it’s just that I don’t fully trust her yet and I’m extremely apprehensive. I don’t want to get hurt again and I think that’s what will happen, but that doesn't mean I want her to hurt.
What’s ironic is that even though I find her persistence annoying and a way for her to torture me still … I also find that determination very attractive. –lol-
Plus, her persistence was really starting to make me feel like she wanted to be friends for unselfish reasons. It’s like I started to feel she was proving herself to be trusted enough to graduate to the next level … contact.
Now, I’m torn. Part of me feels that maybe she’s playing with me again. She tries and tries to get in touch with me and when I let her know I’m about to give in … she withdraws.
The other part of me feels how I described earlier, that maybe she’s gave it a lot of thought and is being sincere and wants to start off on the right foot and not have a friendship based in pity.
I don’t know. I want to believe the latter, but I don’t know if the risk is worth it.
Anyway, I didn’t exactly dream about Shahirah today, but she was haunting all my dreams. Yes, dreams! I kept waking up and going right back into dreaming. It's like it was one long, continuous dream except things kept changing and events kept repeating.
One of those repeating events was her appearance. It’s like wherever I went, she was there, usually not aware of my presence … and I did my best to keep it that way. Basically, she played a walk-on part in my dreams.
Even though I can’t remember what my dreams were about, I just remember her showing up in every single one and I don’t know why. I mean, if I had been thinking about her, I could understand it … but I haven’t had time to think about anything in the last week.
Now, the catch.
Okay, in my dreams, I remember Shahirah always appearing happy and that was with me avoiding her, staying out of her life, but after I awoke ... the dreams left me with a bad feeling.
Why did I feel bad? I don’t remember anything bad happening in my dreams.
To rule out most people’s first assumption, it’s not because she was happy … that would have made me happy and let me go on guilt free. That would be a win/win situation.
Unless something happened that I can’t remember, maybe it’s because I felt I wasn’t giving her proper respect by talking to her and letting her know my reasons … even though I have let her know why in the past.
I mean, I remember feeling childish and kind of cruel in one dream when I hid behind something to avoid her.
I was walking out of a restaurant or something with a friend and she was walking in with a friend. I grabbed my friend by the arm and ducked behind a plant and column until she passed. I was trying to wait until I felt it was totally clear when that annoying little thing called a conscience made an appearance.
I was standing there waiting for her to look away so I could make my get away. The few seconds standing there looking at her without her knowing it … it made me feel bad. I remember feeling and thinking, “This isn’t how I want things to be.”
I don’t know why I felt that way. It’s like when I looked at her, I was seeing her for the first time again … which made me feel bad for feeling so indifferent towards her. I mean, she looked happy, at least as happy as she can probably get, but there was something else … something about her eyes.
She seemed so … I don’t know. I guess she seemed vulnerable. It’s like even though she looked happy, her eyes were showing that she was sad. Maybe that’s why I felt bad. I think I realized I didn’t want to add to that unhappiness.
Of course, upon awakening, all I remember is that she looked happy and the dreams left me with a bad feeling. When I told Mom about it and asked her opinion, she said she thinks I’m looking for another reason not to talk to Shahirah.
I guess she was implying that if I thought Shahirah was happy without me in her life, that would give me reason not to talk to her, which would be true.
Now that I look back, I realize the bad feeling was because of how she really appeared to me and how I didn’t want to see it. I wanted to see her as happy so I could continue to be selfish, when deep down, I felt she was actually as sad as ever and I couldn’t stand the thought of adding to it.
It’s so funny that even though you can’t remember most of your dreams and that they seem incoherent and illogical, when you go back over them and re-examine them, you can actually ascertain some meaning from them.
I’ve always been fascinated by dreams, so maybe this weblog of mine will also serve as a dream journal. Plus, I’ve had several other dreams about Shahirah over the last year that have been really weird.
I’ve had some when I’ve been thinking about her, usually because she’s talked to Mom and Mom had been talking about her, but I think most of them just came out of nowhere.
Well, I guess I should quit procrastinating and get back to packing.
I hate moving! I've already torn off a fingernail.
