What's that feeling?

Tonight, we ate at The Olive Garden … yet again. I wasn’t feeling good and all I wanted was soup, salad, and some peach tea.

We got this waitress I have never seen there before. She was sooo cute … and sexy!



I’ve had a really bad headache from coughing so hard and so often and I’ve just felt miserable! I think I have bronchitis.

I think it started the day we carved pumpkins outside. That was on October 16th. It got really chilly and windy and having my hands in the pumpkin guts and then out in the cold wind … there were times my hands really ached from being so cold and wet.

I don’t know if that’s what the catalyst was, but I didn’t start coughing until six days later. I woke up coughing on October 22nd … the day Mom and me went out to eat with Greg and his Mom and then to the Haunted Prison. It wasn’t real bad though, so I didn’t pay it any attention. Although, in retrospect, I’m sure standing outside in line that night in 30ºF weather for three hours didn’t help either.

-sigh-

Anyway, I felt miserable today. I told Mom that I felt if I coughed just one more time, someone was going to have to clean my brain matter off the walls. My head hurt so bad that I had to squeeze it at times when I coughed.

At the same time, my chest, stomach, and legs hurt from coughing so much too, so I usually took turns either squeezing my head or giving myself a hug when I coughed, depending on which needed the relief the most … my head or my body.

So yeah, by the time we got to the restaurant tonight, I was pretty miserable.

While looking over the menu, the waitress walks up and asks, “How are you guys doing tonight?”

Mom smiles and says, “Fine.”

Without looking up from the menu, I said, “Terrible!”

The waitress laughs and responds, “Well, hopefully I can make you feel better.”

That’s when I look up to see this beautiful, smiling face behind these cute, nerdy tortoise shell glasses. At least I think that was the pattern on her frames. Her dark hair was pulled back, but a couple strands that were dyed red were left loose to frame her face.

She took our drink order and then left. That’s when I noticed how she was dressed.

I mean, she had on the standard white shirt, green apron, and dark pants everyone else there wears, but she had on one of those belts with the metal grommets or eyelets I find so damn sexy and a leather band around her wrist (which later I found out to be a watch) that matched the style of the belt.

Right away, I knew she had some Goth style, which is something I’ve always found really sexy … if done right.

What was so intriguing is that the dark Goth style was offset by a pink homemade-looking badge/pin with her name on it and a bright yellow sunflower clip (??) holding her hair back.

That combination of Goth/Girlie really worked for her … and me!



I really found that combination unique and very attractive.

If that’s all there was, that’d be bad enough, but as the meal went on … I found out what a wonderful personality she has.

-sigh-

After bringing our drinks, she was gone for quite a bit, but I think she joined a group who sang “Happy Birthday” to someone or something. When she finally got back to us, she said something like, “I’m sorry. I cut myself and was trying to get the bleeding to stop before I came back out here.”

I found that weird, but I liked it! I mean, most servers would never say anything like that because I think they think it would really turn the customer off to know that and they want a good tip so I doubt they’d say anything.

So the fact that she was just being her quirky self was a turn on. I really liked that.

Then when she brought the salad, she asked, “Do you want cheese on your salad?”

Mom says, “You can’t put enough on there for him!”

She says, “Yeah, I like it that way too. I like a lot of cheese, even on the soup you guys ordered.”

So she put a lot of cheese on the salad and then even more on my salad plate and then later on the soups.

When she brought the soups, she put her one knee on my side of the booth and leaned in while she was grating the cheese. Now I’ve heard from several different guys in my life that when a woman turns her body towards you, especially the lower half, it means she might be interested or that she at least trusts you. I’m not sure if I buy into the whole body language thing, but I definitely enjoyed the close proximity!

I was also checking out the leather band on her arm while she was standing there using the cheese grater. Having been wanting one myself for a long time, but a more masculine looking one, I asked, “Where did you get that?”

She says, “My watch?”

I was like, “That’s a watch? I thought it was just a leather wristband.”

She turns her arm to show the watch face that was hidden on the underside of her wrist.

She said, “I got it at Hot Topic. It only cost $9.00. It’s a little piece of how I normally look that I can wear to work.”

There’s not one thing she said that I didn’t like.

She apparently liked shopping at Hot Topic, one of my favorite stores for t-shirts and other novelties! Well, t-shirts, novelties, and women’s lingerie.

-heh heh-

I made a statement back in January or February to Mom while we were in there one time. I had just started talking to Shahirah again a little wile before that.

I was in there checking out the new t-shirts and the women’s clothes can look so damn sexy sometimes, at least to this horny guy, and I told Mom, “I love the women’s clothes here! They are so hot!”

Uncertain, she asked, “Really? You think so?”

I said, “Hell yeah! I think they’re sexier than Victoria Secret.”

After a short pause, I picked up this camouflage bustier/corset (not sure what it was but it had a lot of laces) and said, “If I were dating right now, like if Shahirah was here and we were dating, I would so get this for her because I think she’d look so hot in it.”


This is kind of what the bustier looked liked except it was in camouflage and the shoulder straps were thinner and I think black. Plus ... the front, back, and sides (the parts beneath the underarms where the seams are) were all camouflage and they were connected together by thin strips of black lace.

So it's like the front was camouflage and black with laces, which was connected to the underarm areas by black lace on both sides, which was connected to the back by black lace on both sides.

It was pretty sexy!



Mom asked, “You’re serious?”

I said, “D’uh! Of course! Actually, we’d be in here a lot to get things.”

What’s so funny is that I didn’t think that would come back to haunt me. I got upset with Shahirah and hadn’t talked to her for like over a month. I didn’t let Mom know though because I figured it wasn’t any of her business.

One night while Mom, Zach, and me were out … I ran into Kohl’s and they sat in the car because I was only going to be a minute. While I was in the store, Shahirah called Mom. Actually, she might have called my cell phone, but Mom answered since I left it in the car. I can’t remember which.

In any case, Shahirah and Mom talked.

When I got back out to the car, Mom told me that they talked. Then out of nowhere, Mom says, “Oh … I told her what you said about that camouflage bustier.”

My jaw dropped and I looked at her as if to say, “What!?”

With a sense of dread, she asked, “What’s wrong?”

Demanding, I asked, “You told her that!?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I haven’t talked to her in about a month because I’ve been pissed at her.”

Sighing, she asks, “Why now?”

“Never mind! I just can’t believe you’d tell her that.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sighing, I say, “That’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

After a long pause, I asked, “What did she say?”

“She giggled and said, ‘Really? He said that?’ And I told her yes.”

"I guess that's not bad. I just didn't want her to know I might still think of her that way. At least not yet."

Shaking her head, "You two!"

Anyway, Hot Topic is one of my favorite stores and the fact that this girl shopped there was a turn on for me.

Plus, the fact that she mentioned the watch was a bargain was a turn on because it says something about her personality and her outlook. I really liked that.

I’m the same exact way and most people see it as being cheap, but it’s not about that … it’s about finding something undervalued. There’s a thrill in finding something that’s overlooked and under appreciated. Does that make sense?

I guess it has to do with seeing the potential in something.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to find bargains for the sake of being cheap too. I mean, it’s nice to get the most out of your money. I don’t think that’s being cheap, just being smart.

Anyway, after she told me about her watch, I asked her, "Have you ever seen ‘Hercules’ or ‘Xena’?”

She gives me a look as if to say, “Like d’uh, what do you think?”

Then she says, “Of course I have, I’m a nerd.”

Mom smiles and says, “Don’t feel bad, so are we!”

I think that’s when I fell in love.



Okay, I wouldn’t go that far, but that’s when I realized what an awesome and unique personality she must have. I already suspected it from the way she was dressed, but now she was just confirming it.

The fact that she was admitting to being a nerd, while dressing partly Gothic, and still being girlie … it’s just more than I can take! That’s one combination that I have never encountered, but turns out to be one I find very desirable!

Trying to keep from proposing … kidding. Trying to keep composed, I continued, “You know the arm guard that Ares wears? I’d love to have something like that.”

“Yeah. I’m sure you could find something there close to it.”

“I’ll have to look next time I’m in there. I notice all that stuff is behind and around the counter, so it’s kind of hard to get to without asking for help and every time I’m in there they’re busy.”

“I got my watch in the first display case. At least it was the first one when I got it, but they move them around a lot.”

“Okay, I’ll definitely have to look. Thanks!”

She was picking up our salad plates and Mom was trying to stack hers on mine and almost knocked hers off by pulling the fork out from between our plates to put it on the top of hers so the plates would sit evenly, but the waitress caught it.

Mom apologizes and the waitress says, “Oh, don’t worry! I just broke my first plate last night. I clapped and cheered and I think my boss thought I was losing my mind. I looked at her and asked, ‘What? I see you guys break stuff every night and this is my first one.’”

Once again, even though what she said comes off weird … I absolutely loved it. I love that goofy, quirky type of personality. That’s a major aphrodisiac for me!



I talked Mom into splitting a piece of the lemon cake with me. I was trying my best to cut it into two even halves while the waitress was gathering our dirty dishes, but one side still ended up being bigger than the other.

Mom said, “You take the bigger half.”

Being myself and not even thinking, in a sarcastic tone, I said, “Are you trying to say something?”

The waitress laughed, which made me feel good especially since I wasn’t doing it for her benefit. It’s nice to know I can actually make some people laugh.

Okay, I do that stuff all the time.

Like back in the summer when we all went to see a movie, I was joking with one of the girls that worked there.

No matter what, if you order anything that’s not a large, they try to get you to order the next biggest size. Like if you get a medium pop, they’ll say, “For a quarter more you can get a large.”

Well, this time in particular I got a medium cherry coke and small popcorn and the girl picks up the small popcorn bag and asks, “Is this going to be big enough?”

I know that they have to ask everyone that, but I was in an ornery mood so I demanded, “What are you trying to say?”

She looks at me, kind of bewildered and confused and I add, “Are you trying to say I’m fat?”

In all seriousness, she’s like, “No … no … not at all. I was just …”

Laughing, I interrupt with, “I’m just messing with ya. Besides, I have two working eyes and I’ve looked into a mirror recently, so I know I’m fat.”

She laughs and says, “You’re not fat! You got through the doors okay. Now if you can’t get through the door, then I’ll consider you fat.”

I laugh and said, “Thanks. You’re too sweet.”

The whole time, Mom’s apologizing for me and saying, “Just ignore him!”

Then there was this other time just Greg and me went to see a movie and the guy at the ticket booth was handing out samples of Axe shower gel with the tickets. Right away, I asked him, “Are you saying I stink?”

He laughs and says, “I’ve been waiting all day for someone to ask me that!”

That’s the first time I realized that maybe I’m not normal in public. I mean, we we’re seeing the last showing for the night and no one said anything all day? There were thousands of people go through there and I’m the only one that said something?

Hmm … is it possible I’m … annoying?



Anyway, while we were eating the cake and when the waitress brought back the receipt, I asked her if it’s possible if I could get a bowl of soup to go.

She brought out a bag with the bowl of soup in it and she had something else in her other hand. She smiles and then raises and opens her hand and says, “I brought you out A LOT of cheese.” She had a ton of prepackaged, grated Romano cheese packets.

I was like, “I’ve never even seen those before.”

She says, “Well, they’re for the to go orders.”

I thanked her and just left it at that. When she walked away, Mom said, “We’ve got stuff to go a lot and never have got those.”

“I know!”

Later, I was telling my Uncle about the waitress and going on about how awesome she was and I said, “And her voice … I loved her voice. It was so … sexy.”

Then even later yet, I told Mom, “Our waitress tonight was really cute.”

Mom says, “I know. I really liked her voice.”

I was like, “GET OUT! Me too!”

I added, “But I liked just about everything about her.”

Then I went on about all the things I liked and Mom’s like, “Wow, you we’re really paying attention. I didn’t notice half that stuff. But once I saw the belt she was wearing, I knew you’d like that!”

My Mom knows me so well.



Then Mom adds, “I think she liked you.”

After rolling my eyes, I said, “I wish!”

“Okay, fine … don’t believe me!”

“Well, maybe as a person, but that’s it.”

“That’s the basis for all relationships though. You like your friends as people before you accept them as your friend.”

I know what Mom was saying, and it wasn’t anything I hadn’t already thought.

I mean, even while there, I thought to myself, “I’d really love to get to know this person … even just as a friend.” The thought of anything more seems ridiculous to me anyway.

I guess when you meet someone you find amazing, you think that someone’s already snatched them up. I mean, who wouldn’t if they had a chance? Plus, someone like her probably has guys lined up.

So I wouldn’t dare get my hopes up. Besides, I wouldn’t inflict someone with a relationship with me at the moment. I’m not that cruel. And once again, more than anything, I just would love to get to know her. I think she’d be awesome to hang and do things with.

But, in reality, I’ll probably never see her again. I mean, we eat there all the time and this is the first time I’ve ever seen her. That’s my luck!

Why didn’t I just give her my number and leave the ball in her court?

Because you’re commitment phobic, you dope!

-sheesh-

Any kind of commitment and responsibility scares the hell out of me. There are times I think, “It’d be nice to have more friends.” But why don’t I make more friends? Because I make it difficult!

I don’t mean that I’m socially retarded and just can’t make friends ... I mean that I make it hard for anyone to get too close to me. I can talk with someone and really hit it off, but it’s like I give off a vibe that says, “This is just a one time thing.”

I don’t know. I guess I’m just so tired all the time that the thought of having to expend the energy to put up with one more person, responsibility, or obligation seems very dreadful.

In this instance though, I can honestly say I think that extra energy would be worthwhile.

Posted by: Shane Posted at: 11:44 PM 0 comment(s)

What the hell is wrong with me?

Shahirah called a little while ago.

Mom answered my phone because I was in the front of the house and it was in the same room with her in the back of the house ... the room I’m in now actually.

They talked for 10-15 minutes before I started talking to her.

I didn’t know if I was going to even be able to talk to her because I started feeling really sick to my stomach right before she called. While Mom was talking to her, I told her, “I’m going to have to go to the bathroom because I’m going to throw up or something. Tell her I’m sorry I can’t talk.”

She just nodded and mouthed, “Okay.”

But then it passed a little and I felt okay. I felt like I had a fever, but I felt fine otherwise. I had Mom feel my forehead and she said I was hot.

What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t know how many times this has happened to me in the last year. I’m beginning to wonder if I have some kind of reaction to something I’m eating.

It’s like tonight, I had “Campfire Chicken” at Cracker Barrel. Other than that, I had a café mocha from this new place at the mall. I really didn’t want any, but I wanted to try their coffee to see how it tasted so I just got a short one.

Now I wish I hadn’t got one. It tasted like 3-day old, moldy diarrhea.

Anyway, I talked to Shahirah and she was sick as well, which wasn’t good. I love her voice when she’s sick! I mean, I’ve always loved her voice, but when she’s sick … it sounds really cute and really sexy. I don’t know why, but it’s a turn on. It’s weird. I’m weird!

We didn’t talk for long or about anything really … so I’m not sure why she called.

She kept saying she was miserable because her head was killing her, which made me feel bad because there’s nothing I could do. What’s worse is, I didn’t really know what to say to comfort her.

I mean, three years ago … I know what I would have said. I would have said, “I wish I were there to take care of you and give you the best massage you’ve ever had. Your headache would melt away as every muscle in your neck, shoulders, and back became like Play-Doh. Not when it's really old because you know how hard and brittle it gets, but like when it's new. You know, because it's soft and pliable."



Believe it or not, that's most likely what I would have said. Yes, I'm that much of a dork!

Actually, I was thinking the same exact thing tonight, but I couldn’t tell her that. That’s why I didn’t know what to say. I mean, I don’t just want to say, “Uh huh.” I might as well just say, “Yeah, I don’t really care, so can we change the subject?”

But I definitely couldn’t say what I was thinking because I don’t know how she’d even take it. I don’t even know how to take it! I don’t even know if I want to feel that way!!

-sigh-

It’s obvious I have unresolved feelings/issues with her.

Mom called me when she got home to let me know she was home and for some reason, she said, “I think you’re confused about your feelings for Shahirah.”

Normally, I would deny it, but this time I replied, “Yeah, I know … figured that one out on my own.”

We talked about it a little bit and I said, “I guess sometimes, I wonder if maybe I let my pride get in the way. It’s like, sometimes I get the feeling she would like to see if there’s something more between us, but my normal reaction or reflex is to get angry.”

“It’s like back in the Spring,” I continued, “she was saying I should come over there and I asked why and she said, ‘If we’re ever going to work, we have to be in the same place.’ That shocked me because we hadn’t even talked about anything like that at all. And for some reason, it really pissed me off.”

Mom asked, “Why?”

“I guess I was thinking, ‘So now YOU want to find out and I’m supposed do it because it’s YOU who now wants to know?’ Plus, it just made me feel like once again she was saying I was at her convenience.”

“So what did you say?”

“I don’t really remember. I think I just tried to side-step the topic because I had a lot of anger and knew if I talked about it too much … I’d probably blow up.”

“Before that even, right after she got settled in her new apartment, she said I should come over. I had just moved and wasn’t really settled so I honestly thought about it. I asked her where I’d stay and she said I could stay with her, but she’d have to ask her Mom if it’s okay. Once again, I got really pissed off.”

“Why that time?”

“First off, the guy she was dating moved in with her at her first apartment there and her Mom didn’t know initially. Actually, I don’t know if she ever knew. So once again, that made me feel like I’m the one who has to go through the gauntlet. I’m the one that doesn’t get any exceptions or breaks with her."

"But I really respect her Mom so I wouldn’t have gone over anyway unless she was okay with it … so I just tried to ignore how that made me feel.”

“Secondly,she called me about a week later when I was out with Greg and I asked her, ‘Did you talk to your Mom?’ She said, ‘Yeah, I talked to her earlier.’ I asked, ‘So what did she say?’ She says, ‘About what?’ In that instant I knew she wasn’t serious and I just thought to myself,‘Fuck it!’ We hung up shortly after that and I don’t think I talked to her for over a month.”

“Ah.”

“So looking back, I wonder if I let my pride get in the way of something that could be really good if I was just more patient and open.”

“It’s like tonight, I told her about what I told you months ago about me thinking about going over there because without knowing anyone and having no distractions and maybe help and motivation from her … I could do the things I know I need to do. I also told her that I told you, ‘But she’s always baking muffins and cookies so I’d probably come back fatter!’"

" I told her about that because I was phishing for how she’d really feel about me coming over there. She has like three months between her last day of school and graduation and I thought if she doesn’t come here, maybe after the New Year, I’d go over there.”

“And?”

“She didn’t say anything about it.”

Matter-of-factly, she says, “You could just ask.”

“No I can’t. Things are different between us. Plus, she’s so damn wishy-washy that I don’t know what to think. One moment she’ll seem like she would really like me to come over and the next ... she’ll be giving me reasons I shouldn’t if I should talk about it. So even just asking isn’t going to give me what I need to know, whether she REALLY would want me there, and I’d rather die and burn in hell than force someone to endure my company.”

“You know, you can have too much pride.”

“You’re one to talk! Where do you think I get it?"

Laughing, she says, "I know!"

"I guess she just made me feel so much like a nuisance two years ago. She’d chew me out for not calling and that’d make me feel like maybe she did care and still wants me in her life, then I’d call her and she’d chew me out for calling when I was just trying to make her happy. I guess I’m afraid that that’s going to happen again and I don’t want to feel that hurt and anger again.”

After a short pause, I continued, “I guess I just really think she don’t know what the hell she wants and I don’t want to get caught up in her confusion because it won’t be good. If that happened again, I know we’d never talk again … so would it be worth it to risk it and find out?”

“I can see your point, but you still need to find out what you’re feelings really are for her just for your own good. At least that way you know what you have to do.”

“It probably doesn’t matter anyway.”

“Why?”

“I think she’s interested in someone else.”

“What makes you think that?”

“It was just some things she said a few months ago.”

After a short pause, she demands, “What?!”

I wrote an entry about it back then, but it’s not up yet. I explained the whole incident to Mom though.

After explaining, she says, “What’s that prove?”

I said, “It’s like me trying to get Melissa to quit smoking and drinking and she agrees that she needs to stop, but she still doesn’t quit. Then she starts seeing a guy and he gets her to stop smoking and drinking and I get upset about it. It doesn’t make sense! Why would I feel hurt or upset? I’d just be happy that someone got one of my friends to quit smoking and drinking. But if I had feelings for Melissa, then I might feel hurt or upset that I couldn’t get her to quit doing those things. Ya know?”

“It’s like, I used to feel that way with Shahirah. She was so special to me and when I’d tell her something that came from my heart and she’d practically dismiss it … that’d hurt. But it’d hurt even worse when someone who didn’t see her the way I saw her would tell her the same thing and it’d make her feel a million times better than if it came from me. Since I had feelings for her, it hurt that she cared more that it came from someone else. It's like what they said was the word of God and mine was just bullshit.”

“I can see you’re point. You’re probably right, there’s probably something more there.”

“Exactly! And you know what’s worse? I’m so conflicted because I think I’m finding out I still do have feelings for her and that there’s a possibility I could probably be as crazy about her as before. Meanwhile, she’s probably conflicted over some other guy. For all I know, she could be seeing someone. Do you know how much that sucks?!”

After a long pause, I added, “It’s times like this that I wish I had left things the way they were last year.”

“You two not talking?”

Reluctantly, I reply, “Yeah. At least I didn’t have all these draining emotions and thoughts to deal with.”

-sigh-

I’m tired, so I’m ending here and going to bed. We’re supposed to go to Honey Haven Farm tomorrow, so I need to get some sleep.

Posted by: Shane Posted at: 2:55 AM 0 comment(s)