Mom answered my phone because I was in the front of the house and it was in the same room with her in the back of the house ... the room I’m in now actually.
They talked for 10-15 minutes before I started talking to her.
I didn’t know if I was going to even be able to talk to her because I started feeling really sick to my stomach right before she called. While Mom was talking to her, I told her, “I’m going to have to go to the bathroom because I’m going to throw up or something. Tell her I’m sorry I can’t talk.”
She just nodded and mouthed, “Okay.”
But then it passed a little and I felt okay. I felt like I had a fever, but I felt fine otherwise. I had Mom feel my forehead and she said I was hot.
What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t know how many times this has happened to me in the last year. I’m beginning to wonder if I have some kind of reaction to something I’m eating.
It’s like tonight, I had “Campfire Chicken” at Cracker Barrel. Other than that, I had a café mocha from this new place at the mall. I really didn’t want any, but I wanted to try their coffee to see how it tasted so I just got a short one.
Now I wish I hadn’t got one. It tasted like 3-day old, moldy diarrhea.
Anyway, I talked to Shahirah and she was sick as well, which wasn’t good. I love her voice when she’s sick! I mean, I’ve always loved her voice, but when she’s sick … it sounds really cute and really sexy. I don’t know why, but it’s a turn on. It’s weird. I’m weird!
We didn’t talk for long or about anything really … so I’m not sure why she called.
She kept saying she was miserable because her head was killing her, which made me feel bad because there’s nothing I could do. What’s worse is, I didn’t really know what to say to comfort her.
I mean, three years ago … I know what I would have said. I would have said, “I wish I were there to take care of you and give you the best massage you’ve ever had. Your headache would melt away as every muscle in your neck, shoulders, and back became like Play-Doh. Not when it's really old because you know how hard and brittle it gets, but like when it's new. You know, because it's soft and pliable."
Believe it or not, that's most likely what I would have said. Yes, I'm that much of a dork!
Actually, I was thinking the same exact thing tonight, but I couldn’t tell her that. That’s why I didn’t know what to say. I mean, I don’t just want to say, “Uh huh.” I might as well just say, “Yeah, I don’t really care, so can we change the subject?”
But I definitely couldn’t say what I was thinking because I don’t know how she’d even take it. I don’t even know how to take it! I don’t even know if I want to feel that way!!
-sigh-
It’s obvious I have unresolved feelings/issues with her.
Mom called me when she got home to let me know she was home and for some reason, she said, “I think you’re confused about your feelings for Shahirah.”
Normally, I would deny it, but this time I replied, “Yeah, I know … figured that one out on my own.”
We talked about it a little bit and I said, “I guess sometimes, I wonder if maybe I let my pride get in the way. It’s like, sometimes I get the feeling she would like to see if there’s something more between us, but my normal reaction or reflex is to get angry.”
“It’s like back in the Spring,” I continued, “she was saying I should come over there and I asked why and she said, ‘If we’re ever going to work, we have to be in the same place.’ That shocked me because we hadn’t even talked about anything like that at all. And for some reason, it really pissed me off.”
Mom asked, “Why?”
“I guess I was thinking, ‘So now YOU want to find out and I’m supposed do it because it’s YOU who now wants to know?’ Plus, it just made me feel like once again she was saying I was at her convenience.”
“So what did you say?”
“I don’t really remember. I think I just tried to side-step the topic because I had a lot of anger and knew if I talked about it too much … I’d probably blow up.”
“Before that even, right after she got settled in her new apartment, she said I should come over. I had just moved and wasn’t really settled so I honestly thought about it. I asked her where I’d stay and she said I could stay with her, but she’d have to ask her Mom if it’s okay. Once again, I got really pissed off.”
“Why that time?”
“First off, the guy she was dating moved in with her at her first apartment there and her Mom didn’t know initially. Actually, I don’t know if she ever knew. So once again, that made me feel like I’m the one who has to go through the gauntlet. I’m the one that doesn’t get any exceptions or breaks with her."
"But I really respect her Mom so I wouldn’t have gone over anyway unless she was okay with it … so I just tried to ignore how that made me feel.”
“Secondly,she called me about a week later when I was out with Greg and I asked her, ‘Did you talk to your Mom?’ She said, ‘Yeah, I talked to her earlier.’ I asked, ‘So what did she say?’ She says, ‘About what?’ In that instant I knew she wasn’t serious and I just thought to myself,‘Fuck it!’We hung up shortly after that and I don’t think I talked to her for over a month.”
“Ah.”
“So looking back, I wonder if I let my pride get in the way of something that could be really good if I was just more patient and open.”
“It’s like tonight, I told her about what I told you months ago about me thinking about going over there because without knowing anyone and having no distractions and maybe help and motivation from her … I could do the things I know I need to do. I also told her that I told you, ‘But she’s always baking muffins and cookies so I’d probably come back fatter!’"
" I told her about that because I was phishing for how she’d really feel about me coming over there. She has like three months between her last day of school and graduation and I thought if she doesn’t come here, maybe after the New Year, I’d go over there.”
“And?”
“She didn’t say anything about it.”
Matter-of-factly, she says, “You could just ask.”
“No I can’t. Things are different between us. Plus, she’s so damn wishy-washy that I don’t know what to think. One moment she’ll seem like she would really like me to come over and the next ... she’ll be giving me reasons I shouldn’t if I should talk about it. So even just asking isn’t going to give me what I need to know, whether she REALLY would want me there, and I’d rather die and burn in hell than force someone to endure my company.”
“You know, you can have too much pride.”
“You’re one to talk! Where do you think I get it?"
Laughing, she says, "I know!"
"I guess she just made me feel so much like a nuisance two years ago. She’d chew me out for not calling and that’d make me feel like maybe she did care and still wants me in her life, then I’d call her and she’d chew me out for calling when I was just trying to make her happy. I guess I’m afraid that that’s going to happen again and I don’t want to feel that hurt and anger again.”
After a short pause, I continued, “I guess I just really think she don’t know what the hell she wants and I don’t want to get caught up in her confusion because it won’t be good. If that happened again, I know we’d never talk again … so would it be worth it to risk it and find out?”
“I can see your point, but you still need to find out what you’re feelings really are for her just for your own good. At least that way you know what you have to do.”
“It probably doesn’t matter anyway.”
“Why?”
“I think she’s interested in someone else.”
“What makes you think that?”
“It was just some things she said a few months ago.”
After a short pause, she demands, “What?!”
I wrote an entry about it back then, but it’s not up yet. I explained the whole incident to Mom though.
After explaining, she says, “What’s that prove?”
I said, “It’s like me trying to get Melissa to quit smoking and drinking and she agrees that she needs to stop, but she still doesn’t quit. Then she starts seeing a guy and he gets her to stop smoking and drinking and I get upset about it. It doesn’t make sense! Why would I feel hurt or upset? I’d just be happy that someone got one of my friends to quit smoking and drinking. But if I had feelings for Melissa, then I might feel hurt or upset that I couldn’t get her to quit doing those things. Ya know?”
“It’s like, I used to feel that way with Shahirah. She was so special to me and when I’d tell her something that came from my heart and she’d practically dismiss it … that’d hurt. But it’d hurt even worse when someone who didn’t see her the way I saw her would tell her the same thing and it’d make her feel a million times better than if it came from me. Since I had feelings for her, it hurt that she cared more that it came from someone else. It's like what they said was the word of God and mine was just bullshit.”
“I can see you’re point. You’re probably right, there’s probably something more there.”
“Exactly! And you know what’s worse? I’m so conflicted because I think I’m finding out I still do have feelings for her and that there’s a possibility I could probably be as crazy about her as before. Meanwhile, she’s probably conflicted over some other guy. For all I know, she could be seeing someone. Do you know how much that sucks?!”
After a long pause, I added, “It’s times like this that I wish I had left things the way they were last year.”
“You two not talking?”
Reluctantly, I reply, “Yeah. At least I didn’t have all these draining emotions and thoughts to deal with.”
-sigh-
I’m tired, so I’m ending here and going to bed. We’re supposed to go to Honey Haven Farm tomorrow, so I need to get some sleep.
