I was thinkin’ about the movie “Constantine” last night and how much Keanu’s character, John Constantine, reminds me of myself. I mean, I can be pretty sardonic myself and I’ve been accused of having a very morbid sense of humor … especially when it comes to my own mortality, which really pisses Mom off.
Anyway, there was one scene in particular that really reminded me of myself. It’s right after he sacrifices himself and is all prepared to go with Lucifer to Hell (as if that’s not enough to remind me of ME!!!), but the “Son of Perdition” can’t budge him because he just keeps getting heavier and heavier as he tries pulling him.
Well, this is where the “world behind our world” opens up and John finds out he’s going to Heaven for his sacrifice.
The part that reminds me of myself is where John starts floating towards Heaven and all of a sudden flips ol’ Lu the bird!
I mean, it’s not enough to get into Heaven, but he had to rub Satan’s face in it! That’s so ME!
-sigh-
I was also thinking ‘bout Shahirah last night … err this morning … while trying to fall asleep.
At first, there was a part of me that wondered if I was just over-reacting? I wondered if maybe I was just making too much of something that was really nothing, but then once again remembered that when it comes to me … she can’t remember anything.
Then I wondered if maybe it’s my fault. I mean, I’m not a very forceful person. I don’t generally try to force my personality onto someone else. If anything, I arrogantly act like I’m superior in my likes, dislikes, and opinions … but then get pissed when someone starts to give in to my personality and adopt some of my traits.
It’s like I might act like my taste in music is better than someone’s, but if they decide to explore what I like and decide that they too like it … I kind of get disappointed because I really didn’t want them to like it.
Does that make any sense?
I guess I want to be Me and I want them to be THEM! Plus, if everyone agreed with me and liked what I liked, then I couldn’t argue with them or act like an arrogant ass! Ya know?
It’s like, I used to REALLY like arguing/debating. I would argue any position, it didn’t matter. I had family and friends look at me with dropped jaws when I’ve just argued against them on an issue, but then take their position against someone who originally agreed with my original stance.
I tried to explain to them, I wasn’t arguing MY position and usually didn’t care one way or another … I just wanted to see if I could change someone’s MIND! I liked the challenge. No, I loved the challenge.
I mean, it wasn’t just about winning an argument because I almost always won! That was the easy part. I’d pick someone’s argument apart and leave them without a leg to stand on, but even though they had nothing to come back with … most people would never change their MIND. They’d still stick by their stance, even after it’s been totally picked apart, and I could never understand why … but I totally RESPECTED them for it.
It’s like one time I argued with a friend about something. I knew I was wrong going into the argument, but again just wanted the challenge to see if I could make him doubt himself and believe me.
It wasn’t very long into the argument that I saw the doubt in him. Then it wasn’t long after that he gave in and admitted to being wrong. I got him to change his MIND with very little effort … and it kind of made me feel bad.
I told him, “You were right! I knew you right from the beginning, so why did you give in?”
He said, “Well, you were so convincing and you’re smarter so I figured you were probably right and I was wrong. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
I said, “NO! I want you to fight me tooth and nail and challenge me. I don’t want you to believe what I believe, I just want to make you think about WHY you feel the way you do and let you know what I think and maybe in the process we can both learn something. Even though it seems like I’m trying to get you to change your MIND … I don’t really want you to!”
-sheesh-
Went off on a tangent!
Anyway, my point is, even though I have come off as an arrogant ass in the past and still do sometimes … I really don’t like to force my personality on others or don’t care much when others think too much like myself. I want to be the only ME!
So yeah, I was thinking that maybe when it comes to Shahirah, maybe she can’t remember much about me because I don’t force my personality on her. It’s like, maybe the person to whom she gives the credit for introducing her to Hoobastank actually made her sit and listen to them.
Maybe he was like, “You have to hear this! You’ll really like this group.” Then he put on their album and they listened together, even though maybe she didn’t want to at the time.
I mean, it’s like I would try to talk to Shahirah about Rap, Hip-Hop, and R&B songs I like, but she’d show no interest and would just flat out say, “I don’t know who or what you’re talking about.”
As if to say, “Save your breath, I don’t know, don’t care, and don’t want to know.”
And instead of being forceful, I’d just say something like, “If you ever get the chance, you should check it out, I think you’d really like it.” Then I’d just drop it.
Then when she goes to Perth, it wasn’t six months until she was an expert in those same music genres! So what was the difference?
Is it me? Am I just not forceful enough or is it that she just doesn’t care about me?
I gave that some thought for a while and came to the conclusion that she just doesn’t care about what I think or what I like because I’m not that important to her. I don’t want to go so far as to say she doesn’t care about me because for all I know, maybe she really did think she loved me (although I’m sure even she realizes now that she didn’t), but I really don’t think I rank very high on her list of important people and never did.
Plus, I think of all the people she knows, I’m the one she feels she has to impress the least. Now if we were in a relationship, that would be a compliment! But since we’re not, I think it’s because she cares less what I think of her than anyone else because I’m not that important.
It’s like, there were a few times I’d try to play something for her I liked, and she’d show no interest and didn’t really seem to care. So if she’d sit and listen for someone else and entertain them, why not me?
It has to be because she didn't really care and didn't feel like she had to.
Like I said, in a way, that's a compliment ... when someone feels so comfy around you that they can be who they really are. But it also hurts when it seems that they can entertain everyone else except you and remember everything about everyone else.
The only time she ever showed any interest in anything like that was one time when she called and I had my stereo blasthing and she asked what I was listening to and then compared me to a previous boyfriend.
Do women realize how much that sucks!? No guy wants to be compared to a previous boyfriend!
Anyway, my point? The one time she actually showed any interest, she wasn’t even thinking of ME!!!
So even though I tried hard to convince myself before falling asleep that I was just making something of nothing … I still fell asleep thinking it was all a big joke.
The good news is, when I woke up today, I felt lighter … like a weight had been lifted. I felt free. It’s like once I faced the facts and realized that Shahirah didn’t care about me as much as I thought or had hoped … I was finally able to let it go.
I guess the truth does set you free.
There is a downside though.
After all the hurt, anger, and self-pity wore off ... I realized that I was in love with someone that didn’t really love me that much, even though she probably thought and still thinks she did.
You know what sucks even more ... I still love her, which is probably why it hurts so much.
