I’m taking a break from cleaning, something I know I shouldn’t do because it’ll be hard to start again. Oh well.
-sigh-
Anyway, Mom was home for a little while after work and she talked to Shahirah again online. I don’t think they talked for very long though because Mom wanted to go over to Dan’s early so she could have something fixed for him to eat.
I guess she talked to Shahira and Vishali too. At least I think she meant Vishali. I guess she thought it was me online. I’m going to have to teach Mom how to change the name or maybe set her up her own Messenger account.
Mom said her and Vishali didn’t really talk once Vishali found out it was her instead of me, but she said she thought Vishali seemed really nice. I told her she was. That’s why I feel so bad for not keeping my word.
I mean, it’s not like I think she even cares, she barely knew me … but I feel bad not talking to her because of someone else … when she has always been really nice and has never done anything to me. The fact that she thought it was me and started talking to me also makes me feel bad.
The last time I saw her online, I thought she might be pissed at me because she really didn’t say much.
I restarted the computer before I went to bed and when I got up, I was suppose to check movie times. I forgot to shut down Messenger before I connected to the Internet because I was in a hurry and Vishali saw me online and sent a message to just say “Hi” and that she had to go.
When I first got the message, my heart skipped a beat because I felt I had been caught with my pants down or my hand in the cookie jar … or whatever. Then when I saw it was Vishali, I felt relieved, but after our short exchange … I thought she might be upset with me. I hope not.
I just didn’t think if I stopped talking to Shahirah that continuing talking to her (Vishali) was going to work. Like I said, I knew eventually she would start talking about Shahirah and I didn’t want to know anything about her. Plus, it wouldn’t have been fair to Shahirah either. To avoid her and continue talking to her friend, I thought it would just seem really cruel and mean.
Damn it! See. I started typing this and got distracted by “The X Files”. It was the one about the cockroaches. I love that episode! Plus, Dr. Bambi is so freakin’ HOT! Now is another good one, the one about those two girls who are friends and share the same birthday … and are the focal point of some astrological energy. I like it because it shows just how stupid people really are!
Anyway, before Mom left, she said that Shahirah told her to tell me she “missed me” and wanted to know if I would talk to her online. As if that doesn’t make me feel bad enough, Mom has to try and make me feel worse.
I know Mom cares a lot about Shahirah and would love me to talk to her, although, I don’t know why. It’s not like they’ve talked a whole lot … at least not to my knowledge.
Why does this decision have to be so hard?
If Shahirah would have just listened to me from the beginning and not have promised more than she could deliver … we’d still be friends. But when someone makes you feel so loved that it scares you, and then takes it away, you question if it was ever real to begin with … especially when the person that made you feel so special goes out of her way to let you know that she no longer feel that way and that she seems to regret having ever felt that way.
In the end, you can only conclude it was all a lie and you were being used … something I can’t live with. Someone might fuck me over once, but that’s the only chance they’ll ever get. That’s why I can’t imagine talking to her again. I have no trust in her at all, a person I would have trusted completely.
