I’ve already wrote two entries concerning her and would have said that there’s nothing more I can say about her, but I guess I would have been wrong. Just when I thought there was nothing new to say, something new comes up.
Last night, Mom and me had a talk about Shahirah.
It all started with me. I uninstalled a program and had to restart my PC, which is normal. The only thing was, I was in a hurry and left my cable modem connected to the Internet, which by itself is not a problem.
The problem is that I don’t log into MSN Messenger between certain times because I don’t want a certain person to know if I come online. The thing is, MSN Messenger starts up with Windows, which is okay by itself, but it automatically connects if it detects an Internet connection.
Normally, if I have to restart my computer, I disconnect and then after it totally restarts, I shut down the Messenger program so I don’t have to worry about it auto-connecting. Then later if I go online, the program is shut down and I don’t have to worry about it. It still, however, pops up occasionally on it’s own sometimes, which has got me into trouble with other people who probably have assumed I died long ago.
Anyway, I was in a hurry and left the computer connected to the Internet. After restarting it, I went to take a shower and get ready to go out to get something to eat. So while I’m off showering and getting ready, my Messenger program is connected to the Internet.
Shahirah connects at work and sees that I’m connected and figures she can finally catch me at home, so she calls, but no one answers. I’m in the shower and Mom isn’t home yet.
For some reason, she calls my Mom on her mobile phone right as Mom gets home, which was just minutes after she tried calling me. I guess they talked for 20-30 minutes, but I’m not sure what about.
I came downstairs right as they were hanging up. We were suppose to go get something to eat, but neither one of us could decide where to go. I wasn’t really that hungry.
Anyway, Mom tells me that that was Shahirah she was talking to and said that she called because she saw that I was connected online and thought she could finally get me to answer the phone. That’s when I realized I must have left the computer connected.
I had to run a quick errand, so I asked Mom if she would disconnect the computer for me and I’d be right back.
According to Mom, she came up to disconnect, but as soon as she sat down … her brother called. After talking to him, she went to disconnect again, and I guess Shahirah thought it was me and that I was avoiding her.
Mom told Shahirah that it was her and they started talking again. I guess Mom even talked to Maria a little. She told me that Maria seemed in a really good mood and was making fun of me, which made me wish I had been online! -lol-
She saw that Shahira, my other online friend, was online too and sent her a message just to let her know it was her and not me that was online. She didn’t want Shahira to think I was rude or avoiding her I guess.
What’s funny is that Shahira didn’t reply back to any messages Mom sent her and now Mom thinks she’s rude. -lol-
Anyway, when I got back, to my surprise Mom and Shahirah were still talking. I told Mom to tell her I said “hi”. She did and I saw that all Shahirah said was, “Ok”.
I said, “See, she doesn’t fucking care! Why does she even bother to call?”
I mean, she sends me an e-mail saying she misses talking to me and even calls to talk to me, but when I finally say “hi” … all she says is “Ok.” I mean, the least she could do is just say, “hey.”
Right away, I felt like I was being played with again. She acts like she really wants to talk and as soon as I do, she acts like she doesn’t care.
What’s so funny is that had she said “hi” and directed it to me, I would have said something back which would have probably caused her to say something in return … and eventually I would have ended up in front of the PC talking to her.
See! I just don’t think it’s meant for us to stay in contact. Every time one of us reaches out, it seems like a higher force makes sure to keep us apart by making the other one withdraw.
So anyway, after getting pissed, I went downstairs to make a phone call. After a while I came back up to see how long Mom was going to be, but she was done by the time I got back up here.
A little later, Mom started talking about Shahirah. She was telling me a little bit about what they talked about, which I found odd because she would never do that before.
It’s like Shahirah started calling me at the beginning of this year again and I was never home because of work. I did give her my Mom’s mobile phone and my work phone before I stopped talking to her, so I figured if she wanted to talk bad enough, she’d eventually try one of those. Well … she never did!
She did eventually call Mom’s mobile phone.
Actually, the first time I knew of her calling it was when Mom, Zachary, and me were eating at the Olive Garden. We were just finishing up eating and Mom's phone rings. I knew right away by the tone of Mom’s voice who it had to be.
I was just finishing my soup and my nose was wanting to run because the soup was really hot. I get up to go get some toilet paper so I can blow my nose. Before I get up from the booth, I mouth to Mom, “Tell her I said ‘Hi’.” Mom nods her head at me.
Anyway, I remember being in the bathroom trying to get the toilet paper roll started. Someone had apparently put in new rolls of toilet paper because it was close to closing time. Well, you know how toilet paper is glued at the start of the roll to keep the roll wound up, it took me 3-5 minutes to get that damn thing started. I don’t know what the hell kind of glue they used, but damn!
I actually shredded the role before I could get it started and then had to waste time getting the two plies back together! I was so frustrated because my nose is like already dripping.
After taking care of that problem, I use a urinal and then go to wash my hands … but there’s no soap! New rolls of toilet paper, but no soap! I’m trying my best to get soap out of one of the dispensers and my nephew comes in and tells me that Mom was still talking to Shahirah and asked me if I was hiding out in the restroom.
I laughed and said, “No, but I’m having lots of problems. First the toilet paper, and now the soap!”
He first came in with me and when I was blowing my nose, he was peeing, then he went back out. Out of curiosity I asked, “There’s no soap … so how did you wash your hands?”
He says, “You got to hit it like this.”
He hits the pump and a gob shoots into the sink. I tried and tried and couldn’t get any out of either one of the dispensers. I finally and reluctantly manage to salvage a lil’ of that gob.
When I get back to the booth, Mom was just finishing up with Shahirah. When she hung up, I ask, “Did you tell her I said ‘Hi’?”
I knew by the look on her face that she forgot. She says, “I’m so sorry!”
I said, “It’s no problem, I just knew she knew I was here and I didn’t want to be rude. Just forget about it.”
Well, the next time she talks to Shahirah, Mom tells me, “I told Shéra that you said ‘Hi’ when I was talking to her at the Olive Garden.”
I was like, “What did you do that for?”
She says, “You seemed upset I didn’t tell her, so I thought I would.”
“I know she knows I don’t want to talk to her,” I said, “but I don’t want her to think I hate her. That’s why I was upset. I don’t hate her.”
She says, “Well, I told her, so what are you upset about?”
I said, “If you told her then, that’s one thing, but telling her now is like saying I’m going out of my way to say ‘Hi’ to her!”
She shakes her head and says something like, “What the hell is wrong with you?” At least that’s how I heard it … heh heh.
Damn, went way off on a tangent there, didn’t I? Hmm … I’ll call that tangent number one because I’m sure there will be more before I’m done.
Anyway, as I was saying, I thought it was weird Mom was telling me what they talked about because when Shahirah would try to get a hold of me and end up talking to Mom, I once asked Mom, “So how’s she doing?”
She wanted me to talk to Shahirah, so she says, “If you want to know, find out for yourself.”
That’s pretty much all Mom would ever say to me, thinking if she didn’t fill me in, I’d eventually break down and call Shahirah. What she didn’t know is that by refusing to tell me anything … she was doing me the biggest favor and giving me exactly what I wanted! I didn’t tell her that though.
Mom would occasionally slip out some information, but I came to conclude it was intentional because it was always something to make me worry. Like the last time I remember her doing that was when she told me that the glass of Shahirah’s apartment door had been broken and that someone might have tried breaking in.
Naturally, that protective side kicks in and right away, I forget for several minutes that I’m not talking to her, and I want to be there just to make sure everything is okay. To go through the whole house and look under every bed and in every closet, attic, basement, garage … whatever.
So I started to realize Mom is craftier than I give her credit for. I think she knew I would feel that way. She’s a very formidable opponent.
-lol-
I always wanted to say that … hee hee.
So anyway, she’s talking about Shahirah and saying things like, “She’s fasting now, which she said is good because she’s gained some weight.”
Now this is where I wonder if Mom said that on purpose. I’ve made the statement in the past that even though I thought Shahirah looked great the way she was, I thought she would look even better with a little more weight.
I don’t know why I always felt that way, but the thought of her being a little fleshier could put my sex drive into overdrive! I guess maybe because it would make her a little curvier and because I think she could carry it well.
Either that or I was so into her that I reasoned the more of her … the better! -lol-
So I say, “Really? I bet! If she has it’s probably like two pounds.”
“No,” Mom says, “I think it’s a little more than that.”
I asked, “How would you know?”
She says, “From her picture.”
I said, “What picture?”
She says, “The picture of her on the chat screen.”
I was thinking to myself, “Damn it! I looked right at the damn screen to see what her reply would be when I said ‘Hi’ and didn’t even notice the damn picture.”
I must have looked regretful or something because Mom asks, “What?”
I said, “Nothing.”
She says, “You look disappointed.”
I dismissed it. Like I was going to admit to that! But the truth is, a part of me wish I had seen it. I mean, it’s been over a year since I last saw what she looked like, and now she’s put on weight … something I thought would make her even sexier. Of course I would have liked to seen it.
Anyway, the conversation keeps going from Shahirah to other things, but Mom kept bringing it back to her. She told me that Shahirah said to tell me “Hi” and that she didn’t know I was in the room when I said ‘Hi,’ so that’s why she didn’t bother replying to it.
Now, in retrospect, I think she was trying to soften me up because when I get to the point where I’m feeling guilty about not talking to Shahirah and questioning my decision, Mom says, “Shéra wanted me to ask you something.”
I must have had a puzzled look or a look of disbelief because Mom says, “She did!”
I figure if she really did ask Mom to ask me something, it’s so obvious what it was and I knew what was coming, “Would you please call me?”
So feeling pretty confident and cocky, I ask, “What’d she ask?”
With a straight face, Mom says, “She asked me to ask you if you would like to go back to Australia with her when she goes.”
At first, I was shocked. I don’t know how long I sat there, I felt like my brain was stuck. It’s like it couldn’t process what it just heard. I felt like how a computer must feel when it has too much to process and not enough RAM to handle it … it hangs or lags.
Well, I must have been hanging for a while because I look at Mom and she cracks a devious looking smile. Right away, I figured she was pulling my leg and trying to prove a point, so I start laughing and said, “Good one!”
I mean, it didn’t make sense Shahirah asking me that … so of course Mom had to make it up. I mean, we haven’t talked for like a year and like she would ask me that without even talking to me! That’d take some guts. Plus, when I wanted to go to Australia, she did everything to let me know she didn’t want me there.
Mom looks at me straight faced again and says, “No … she did ask me to ask you that.”
I must have got that look again because she asks, “So what do you think?”
I shook my head in disbelief and said, “I honestly don’t know what to think.”
She said, “Yeah, it shows.”
After a little while she says, “You don’t have any idea how you feel at all?”
I said, “I’m just really confused right now, and kind of angry.”
She looks at me confused and asks, “Angry about what?”
“I feel angry,” I said, “because when I asked her if I could come to Australia just as a friend and see how things would go between us … she tried using every excuse at her disposal to talk me out of it. She said she didn’t want to take me away from my family and that I’d miss Zach and Austin too much. She even said she thought it was stupid and couldn’t believe I’d want to do it in the first place and that she’d feel guilty if I came all the way there and things didn’t go the way I wanted them.”
“Then when she saw I was being persistent,” I continued, “and wasn’t going to give up easily, she said, ‘Fine! If you want to come, I can’t stop you!’”
“Yeah,” Mom says, “Shéra told me she told you she didn’t care if you wanted to come.”
I laughed and said, “She cared! She definitely didn’t want me there. When she said that, her tone of voice made that very clear!”
“When she said that,” I continued, “this is what I heard her really saying. ‘Fine! I don’t want you here, but if you have to come here, I can’t stop you.’ Then she went on to hint that if I did decide to come, we probably would barely see each other because she wouldn’t have much time for me.”
Mom says, “Really? That’s not her version.”
I said, “That’s the problem. That’s why I can’t forgive her. She’s never admitted to doing anything wrong and the way she remembers things is completely different from the way they happened or at least makes her look like she was always being nice and considerate when she clearly wasn’t. She knows damn well that she did everything short of coming right out and saying, ‘I don’t want you here!’ to keep me from coming there.”
She says, “Isn’t it possible you just took it that way?”
I replied, “Who’s the one who’s angry? Do you think I’d be this angry, angry enough to go this long without talking to her if I wasn’t sure of the things that she did and said?”
She says, “I guess not. But if you’re right, then I wonder why Shéra remembers it the way she does?”
I quickly interject, “Because she’s fucked up!”
Mom says, “I wish you wouldn’t use that word! You know how much I hate it. Besides, I don’t think she’s ‘messed up’ … I just think she might be a little confused and not sure of what she wants.”
I said, “You just now figuring that out?”
She says, “You know, you don’t have to be so sarcastic.”
I replied, “Would you rather me be sarcastic or angry?”
“I’d rather,” she says, “you be neither.”
I said, “Whatever!”
There was a long pause of silence. Finally Mom asks, “So, what do you think?”
I asked, “About what?”
She says, “About what I asked you. About going to Australia with her.”
I said, “Why would she ask me that?”
Mom matter-of-factly says, “Because she wants you there!”
I said, “Yeah, but why now?”
Mom says, “Maybe she misses you. Maybe she’s realized what she’s missing.”
I said, “You know what I think?”
Mom asks, “What?”
I said, “I think she’s Shannon Moss!”
Now, I didn’t think Mom would actually remember who Shannon Moss was, but to my surprise … she did! For those of you who don’t know, let me explain.
There was this TV show called “Wings.” I really liked it, thought it was really funny. In one of the early episodes, like 10+ years ago, there was a character named Shannon Moss.
Brian Hackett, one of the main characters on the show, has always been in love with Shannon. He’d do just about anything for her. As the story goes, she talked him into driving her and her prom date to the prom … I think even after misleading Brian to believe they were going together.
Well, Shannon knew how Brian felt about her, but obviously she didn’t feel the same way towards him. That didn’t stop her from using him though. Whenever she needed a quick pick-me-up or an ego boost … she’d turn to Brian because she knew he’d make her feel like the most special person on the planet.
In the episode, Shannon had got dumped by her boyfriend and finds her way back to Nantucket. Obviously she was looking to hook up with Brian who would give her what she needed … attention. She knew he’d worship her and build her confidence back up.
Everyone warned Brian of what she was doing, but he thinks he’s “in love” with her and pays no attention to their advice. So after she gets what she wants from him, she’s ready to leave.
Brian told her that he thought they were starting a relationship and she dismisses it by saying that she forgot that he takes every little gesture too seriously. Of course that hurts him because they had just spent several days being very intimate.
As she’s ready to board the plane, she gets a call from her law firm (I think) and finds that she lost an account or something and is getting blamed for it. Not wanting to go back to Boston (I think) and face the music … she suddenly suggests to Brian that she extend her stay … if he didn’t mind.
This is where Brian finally starts to see what his brother and friends have been telling him and even though it’s hard for him … he eventually tells her off.
I don’t want to and never thought I would, but I can’t help but see Shahirah this way.
Anyway, Mom says, “I don’t think she’s a Shannon Moss.”
I asked, “So you remember who she is?”
She says, “Yes, and I don’t think that describes Shéra.”
I said, “I believe in my Heart that the only reason she wants to talk to me is because it will benefit her in some way.”
“Maybe she got dumped,” I continued, “or maybe she’s back home and don’t have as many friends. In any case, I’m sure that she wants to talk to me because it will benefit her. I really believe if she had someone giving her the attention I used to … she could care less if she ever talked to me again.”
I’m not saying she can’t find someone to give her attention, she’s a good-looking girl, but it’s not the same kind of attention I gave her. She, like most women in the world, can get all the wrong kind of attention they want at any time, but it’s rare they find the kind I gave.
The difference?
Well, with me, I was so in love that I would have been happy to spend my life with her even if we could never have sex for some hypothetical reason … and she knew it. I really think I still would have wanted to spend my life with her. I might have gone insane eventually, but I would have given it a shot.
The easy kind of attention to get from guys is just the opposite. Men put on a show to convince women they are the perfect guy … until they get sex or until they see their efforts are pointless, in which case they cut their losses and move on.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I loved her unconditionally and she knew it and knew that the attention I gave to her was “real” and because of that overwhelming love I had for her and not because I was interested in something else from her. I loved her and loved just talking to her, even if we had nothing to talk about.
Anyway, Mom says, “I don’t think so, I think she’d miss you even if she was happy in a relationship.”
I said, “She’s already proven to me that that’s not true. When all I wanted was her to treat me as a friend, she couldn’t even give me that. She always made sure to let me know that I was at her disposal.”
Mom says, “I just can’t believe that.”
I said, “It’s true! Before she started seeing her boyfriend, we had already started drifting apart. Then after she started seeing him, we continued to drift apart and she made me feel like she regretted ever feeling the way she said she did towards me.”
“It really hurt,” I continued, “but I still wanted to remain friends, but eventually just gave up. A person can only take so much hurt. Plus, I figured it was best for her too since it seemed that if she didn’t blow me off right away when I'd call her ... she’d end up crying.”
"What's funny," I said, "is that it would have meant more to me if she would have treated me more like a close friend when she was seeing someone. If I find out that she's not seeing anyone and is all the sudden interested in wanting my friendship again ... it won't mean as much."
Mom sighs and says, “I don’t know what all happened, but it’s apparent that you both don’t see things as having happened the same way. Don’t you think you should at least talk about that?”
I said, “I tried! I wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on, but she’d always end up crying!”
Mom says, “Did you ever think that she treated you that way because she DID care about you, but for one reason or another she wanted to see what else was out there and needed to keep you at a distance so she could fully explore that?”
I said, “No! If anything, she made me feel like she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Like she wanted to date other guys, but still get the same attention from me when she wanted it. That’s why I felt I was at her convenience.”
Mom says, “I don’t know what else to say, it seems you’ve already made up your mind.”
“Don’t you,” she continued, “miss her at all?”
I said, “Of course I miss her.”
She asked, “Don’t you have any desire to talk to her at all?”
I said, “I just don’t trust her any more. It was hard enough to let her go once, I don’t want to have to do it again.”
She said, “You didn’t answer the question.”
I said, “I don’t know.”
She says, “Shane, it’s obvious you still care about her. I think the problem is that you still love her and that’s why you’re afraid to start talking to her again.”
I said, “Of course I still care about her and of course I still love her. You don’t love someone as much as I did her and just stop … you’re always going to have feelings for them.”
Mom says, “She really wants to talk to you. Can’t you just talk to her once and see what she wants?”
I said, “Why is it that when I wanted to talk and to be friends and she didn’t care, everyone seems to think that’s okay. But now that she wants to talk, I’m supposed to be the bigger person and forget how she treated me!”
Mom says, “It’s not about being the bigger person, Shane! Look at how many times she’s tried calling you, doesn’t that prove to you that she really wants to talk to you? She has sent you e-mails too … what more do you want?”
I said, “Yeah, she just sent me an e-mail like a week ago. That’s the first one she has sent me in almost two years.”
Mom says, “Well, she’s told me she has sent you lots of e-mails but that you never replied back.”
I said, “She’s lying! This is the first e-mail she has sent me in almost two years that has been solely for me. The other few she has sent, which has only been maybe a half-dozen, were e-mails she just forwarded to a lot of people … like jokes and stuff. If you don't believe me, I can show you because I've saved them all.”
Mom says, “Well, I don’t think she would lie to me, but still, you said before that if she’s tried calling and hasn’t been successful, then why wouldn’t she try e-mail. You used that excuse to show that she wasn’t trying very hard to get in touch with you. Now she’s e-mailed you too and you still won’t talk to her. You just can’t win with you.”
I said, “If there was just some way of knowing that she wants to talk to me because she wants to talk to me and not because she’s using me.”
Mom says, “She obviously misses you, Shane. My God, she asked if you wanted to go to Australia with her. What more proof do you need?”
I said, “First of all, that doesn’t mean anything, it could still be for selfish reasons. Secondly, it pisses me off that she has the nerve to ask me that when she did everything to keep me from coming … when there was actually more of a relationship between us. I mean, we’re not even friends right now!”
“See,” I continued, “the fact that we haven’t kept in touch and she thinks she can ask me that as a friend and I’m going to disrupt my life for her, a friend, because that’s what she wants now, it just proves she’s being selfish! It would be different if there was more between us.”
Mom says, “Well, I don’t know if she was asking as a friend.”
I asked, “What do you mean?”
She says, “Well, right before she asked me that, she asked me if you were single.”
I said, “That doesn’t mean anything. She probably asked because I’m obviously not going to leave my girlfriend to go to a country where the only reason I wanted to go before was because of her.”
Mom says, “Yeah, but I think she wouldn’t expect you to leave your family for a friend.”
I said, “Still, even if she’s looking for something more than friendship, what makes her think I’d even trust her again? Trust has to be earned!”
Mom says, “Well, it’s pretty hard for her to earn your trust when you won’t even give her a chance to talk to you.”
That pretty much ended the conversation. I had nothing left to say and she proved her point … and she knew it. I think all did was sigh and say, “I’ll think about it.”
Well, I thought about it while falling asleep and some since I’ve been up and I still haven't came to a decision.
I know what Mom means. I can’t expect her to prove to me that I can trust her unless I give her a chance to prove it to me, but I guess I’m just so afraid of being let down. I already feel in my Heart that she will let me down.
One of the reasons I quit talking to her was because I knew if I continued to try and she continued to treat me the way she was … I might lose everything I felt for her. I knew that if I stopped talking to her, I could hang on to some of it. I didn’t want to let it all go.
I guess I’m afraid if I give her a chance and I’m let down once again, even if just as a friend, I’ll never be able to see her the way I did again. I don’t know if I want to lose that.
