Earlier today when I checked my e-mail for the first time in days, I had found that Shahirah had sent me an e-mail on October 10th … two days ago. At first, I wasn’t surprised because she has sent me like half a dozen e-mails in the last year.
She hasn’t sent any to me personally, they’ve all been forwarded mails that looked like they were just forwarded to everyone in her address book, so I was in no hurry to read this one.
I take that back, she did send me a personal one like last December … I think. In it, she basically said she figured I was avoiding her and that she thinks that’s probably best. So that was even more proof to me that that’s what she wanted.
I also sent her a personal mail on Christmas day, just to wish her a “MerryChristmas” and to wish her the best in her life. I think those were the only personal e-mails, besides this one I read today, that has been exchanged between us in like a year.
Anyway, when I finally got to her mail, I was expecting to read some joke or something, but instead was very surprised. She wrote to tell me that she has missed me, that she’s sorry, and that she hopes things can be better between us.
I thought it was funny that she wrote, “…but I miss not bein' able to talk to you.” At first I was thinking, “But we’re not talking now, so how can you miss not talking to me?”
There’s that part of me that wonders if that’s one of those so-called Freudian slips, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt because I’m sure she meant, “… but I miss bein’ able to talk to you.” At least I hope so.
-sigh-
Ya know, today when I read her mail, I was really surprised. I even felt excited. For the first time in almost two years, she made me feel like she really cared about me.
I also started to feel really bad because she told me that she has been trying to get in touch with me by phone and that she calls my Mom here at home instead of on her mobile because she’s hoping I’ll be the one to answer … something both my Mom and hers has been telling me.
I didn’t really doubt my Mom or Maria about Shahirah trying to call me, but I doubted how often they were trying to convince me that she called because there were several times when I actually was hoping one of the “Out of Area” calls I received was actually her … but it never was.
Like back in March, I started feeling really bad about my decision concerning Shahirah, thanks to my Mom! I had “mono” so I slept like 18 hours a day and rarely ever left the house. I was totally wiped!
Anyway, my Mom had made me feel guilty, so I thought for one week I would answer every “Out of Area” call we got … at least the ones we got when I was awake! -lol-
Out of over a dozen calls, not one was Shahirah. That’s when I realized that she might call, but it wasn’t like on a weekly basis or anything. I got tired of talking to telemarketers, so I just once again stopped answering those calls, even if I was awake and home.
Then came July. I thought to myself that if she could actually remember my birthday and call, that’d prove to me that she really does care … at least on some level. I even thought if she sent me an e-mail or online greeting wishing me a “Happy Birthday,” I would get back in touch with her.
Well, my birthday came and went and I didn’t hear from her. So once again, I thought that that was proof enough of what she really felt for me.
There was one thing that bothered me though. When I got home later that night or early the next morning … I checked the Caller ID and there was one “Out of Area” call between 2-3 PM on my birthday, but there was no message on the voice mail. The odds are it was a telemarketer or even another overseas friend, but it bothered me to think that it might have actually been her and there was no way of me knowing.
Anyway, when I first read her mail today, I really thought she was being sincere and honest. I really thought I’d be getting in touch with her. Then after being out all day and thinking about it the whole while I was out … I don’t feel exactly the same way I did earlier today.
Like for instance, when she said she missed me, today that made me feel really good … but now I wonder why. I mean, why now? Last year when I missed her, she didn’t care and definitely didn’t seem to miss me. So now all I can think is that if she misses me, it has to be for some selfish reason.
For instance, I know that she’s back home for a while, so she’s away from her boyfriend (assuming they’re still seeing each other) and her friends. If she’s home and working and her boyfriend and friends are going to school, maybe she’s not able to talk to them as much as she would like … so now she misses me … the person that always put everything in the world on hold for her.
I’m not saying that’s why she misses me, it’s just an example of a selfish reason why she might miss me.
I could be wrong, maybe she really does miss me, but after giving it some thought … I sincerely think it’s for a selfish reason. I really doubt she misses me as a person and that more than likely she probably just misses how I made her feel.
I guess what I’m saying is that, after giving it some thought, I really don’t think she cares to talk to me because she wants to get to know me better again, but that it’s more likely that she wants to talk to me because she’s looking for me to make her feel as special as I did before … so now it’s convenient for her to miss me.
I don’t want to think that way, but I do. I can’t help it. Her actions over the last two years have made me think of her in this way. I sincerely believe in my heart that if someone was making her feel as special as I used to, she could care less if she ever heard from me again. And if that’s true, then it’s not ME she misses … but how I made HER FEEL.
I really don’t want to feel this way, but it’s what she’s proved to me time and time again.
Where was she when I wanted her friendship?
What’s worse is that in the past, she has told me herself that she only cares how things affect her, not that she can’t see other people’s suffering, but she can only feel bad for herself because she can’t feel what other people are feeling.
Even though that makes sense, I couldn’t believe that if you feel a certain way because of an incident, that you can empathize with someone going through the same thing. There’s one word for that … SELF-CENTERED!
Then, in her mail she said she’s “sorry”. When I first read that earlier, it made me feel good, but as I gave it more thought … I wondered if she even knew why she was sorry.
For all I know, she doesn’t think she did anything wrong and really doesn’t feel sorry, but just said it hoping that me hearing it would make me get back in touch with her.
I have a feeling that she feels sorry for breaking my heart by not wanting to pursue anything more than friendship, but I was the one to make that decision first. I knew in the course of a week, something had changed with her and I could really feel it and knew it was eventually going to happen anyway … so I put an end to the prospects of any kind of romantic relationship between us.
At first, I don’t think she agreed with me because she called my Mom the next day panicked, but after several days to think about it … she eventually came to the same conclusion. I think she finally realized that she didn’t really love me or at least loved the idea of playing the field a lot more.
I’m not saying that didn’t hurt … it did! But I’m the one that made that decision and knew it was for the best. And by making that decision, I felt like a burden had been lifted.
What really hurt me was how she treated me over the course of the next year.
When we talked and she told me that she came to the same conclusion as I, she said, “You’re my best friend and I hope that never changes.” The sincerity she said it with made me feel like I hadn’t lost her completely. I really felt she meant it.
Then everything she did after saying that just proved the opposite. If she wanted to call me and talk for two hours, then that was fine! It didn’t matter if I had plans or was being inconvenienced. If I call her, however, just to see how she’s doing, it’s at most a five minute conversation with her making me feel like I’m being a major inconvenience.
So basically her attitude was, “When I want to talk to you, I expect you to do as you have always done and put me first, but if you want to talk to me … just don’t bother because you’re on this planet for my convenience, not me for yours.”
What’s funny is that I told several people, and I think I even told her, I couldn’t call her a liar when she said that I was her best friend because she didn’t say anything about her being mine. So I very well could have been her best friend while she was being someone else’s best friend.
Anyway, the truth is, I don’t even want her to have to feel sorry. I just want her to realize that she hurt me with some of her words and a lot of her actions. If she could just realize that and then stop doing it, then that’s all I could ask, but since it’s not her being hurt … I guess she just doesn’t care.
What’s really bad is that the more I think about it, the more pissed I get about getting her e-mail.
It’s like she said she hopes things can be better between us, but what about when that’s what I wanted? She didn’t care then … so why now? I know why she cares now, because it’s HER that wants it! That’s why I get so fucking pissed.
-sigh-
It’s so funny the difference a day can make. I left today feeling really good and hopeful. I really thought that she might on some level care about me and actually miss ME.
Now, I just think she’s doing it because it would benefit her for now. It’s so funny that this person I loved so much and who seemed like one of the most loving and sincere people to me has become someone I view as one of the most selfish people I have met.
I don’t want to feel that way!
I’m even more confused than before. I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know if I should bother getting in touch with her again or not. I really feel that if I do, I’m going to be let down when I find out that it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
Am I thinking clearly or am I just seeing what I want to see?
I think what it comes down to is I had so much trust in her and she took it away and now I can’t believe anything she says. Or maybe I just don’t want to.
