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Yup, Still Confused
Last night, Greg and me were suppose to go to a movie, but neither one of us were very motivated to do anything. We finally did go to Jake’s to eat about 10 p.m.
While at Jake’s, I thought I would get Greg’s opinion about what Shahirah had asked Mom to ask me.
I told him, “Mom talked to Shéra the other night and she asked Mom to ask me if I would like to go back to Australia with her when she goes. What do you think about that?”
First, he gave me that look he gets that says, “I don’t really care.” But then I think he saw I really wanted advice, so he gave it some thought.
He finally says, “Is everything about her?”
I asked, “What do you mean?”
He says, “You guys haven’t talked in forever and without even talking to you, she asks if you want to go to Australia with her. That seems pretty selfish.”
I was like, “Finally! Someone that sees it from my perspective.”
He says, “Well, you’re not innocent either.”
I looked at him confused and he says, “You need to learn not to hold a grudge.”
I said, “I’m not holding a grudge! I’m just protecting myself from someone I don’t trust any more.”
He says, “But you won’t even talk to her to see what she wants. It’s like you’re punishing her or wanting her to hurt.”
That kind of pissed me off.
I said, “First of all, when I stopped talking to her, I thought I was doing her a favor. I never thought she’d care in the slightest and that it was benefiting her as much as me. She made me feel like a nuisance whenever I tried talking to her, so I finally thought instead of getting hurt every time I try to talk to her, I’d do her and me both a favor and just end it for good.”
“Secondly,” I continued, “I’d never do anything to purposely hurt her. I don’t hate her! In fact, even though I can’t bring myself to talk to her and I’m angry about the way she acted, I still have a great deal of love for her. If she’s hurting now because of me, which I highly doubt, it’s her own doing … not mine!”
He says, “Well, you asked my opinion … I was just giving it to you.”
After a long pause, he says, “So, what do you think you’re going to do? Do you at least think you’re going to get back in touch with her?”
I looked at him and he says, “You already know, don’t you? You want to get back in touch with her!”
I laughed and said, “I don’t know. I really don’t know. All I know is that my heart doesn’t hurt like hell at the moment and I’m not miserable. I’m afraid if I talk to her again, all that pain and misery will come back too. I don’t want to have to deal with it. I don’t think I can deal with it right now.”
He says, “Look at it this way. If she died tomorrow, how would that make you feel? Would you have wished that you got back in touch with her?”
I said, “That’s the problem, she already feels dead to me.”
He emphatically says, “Dude, that’s cold!”
I said, “Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t mean I hate her so much that she’s dead to me. I just mean that it feels like the Shahirah I loved so damn much stopped existing. It’s like the Shahirah I knew was replaced by someone else. The funny thing is, now I wonder if the Shahirah I was so in love with ever even existed. Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see. You know what I mean?”
He says, “Yeah, I really do.”
“When she went to Australia,” I continued, “she changed so much that she didn’t even feel like the same person. There were times I felt like I was talking to a stranger and that hurt so much. Here was someone I could talk to for hours about nothing and now we couldn’t talk at all … I couldn’t accept that.”
He says, “Well, if you want my honest opinion, I know how you feel and I know how much it can hurt, but I think you should at least see what she wants. How much could it hurt to just talk to her once and see if anything has changed?”
I wanted to say, “But what if I talk to her and eventually come to feel what I did before and all we are is friends? I can’t and won’t accept it. I don’t want my heart to hurt every time we talk. If I feel that way, it becomes an all or nothing proposition. I already know that she doesn’t feel that way towards me any more, doubt that she ever really did, so if I end up feeling that way … it will have to be nothing and I don’t think I can go through it all again.”
Instead of saying that, mostly because I don’t want anyone to know that there’s a part of me that fears that, I just said, “Thanks for the advice.”
After leaving Jake’s, we went over to my Grandpa’s because I had to pick up my cell phone. Zach had his friend, Dylan, spending the night. They were playing games.
I had him pop in “Tony Hawk’s Underground” so he could show Greg the skater he created. I think she’s HOT! Makes me want to be a video game character. =p
-lol-
Then Greg asked Zach to show him how to do a couple tricks that he couldn’t figure out so that he could advance in his game.
So here we are after midnight, playing XBox.
What’s so funny is that Greg, Zach, and Dylan have all played “Tony Hawk’s Underground” a lot and I’ve never played it and I’m the only one that could do two of the tricks.
What can I say, I’m gooood! -heh heh-
After leaving my Grandpa’s, we went to Wal-Mart because Greg wanted to buy “Tony Hawk’s Underground 2.”
When we got back to his place, we were playing until like 6 a.m. I’m thinking about getting a copy so we can Link up and play on two different TVs.
Too bad you couldn’t play over the Internet, but I guess it doesn’t matter since Greg doesn’t have a broadband connection.
Anyway, I’m hungry ... so I’m out of here.
Posted by: Shane
Posted at: 3:14 PM
1 comment(s)
1 Comment(s):
Jesse Pirija said...
A friend of mine recently sent me this quote and I thought I would pass it on to you, perhaps it will provide you a sense of comfort if not a peace.
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." - Author Unknown
Sat Jan 29, 11:37:00 AM EST
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